Why I Chose to Serve a Mission (And summary of the first Blog Entries)

Since they've found out about my call, that I'm going on a mission, people have started asking me, "When did you decide to serve a mission?"
 For me, it wasn't a question of when. There wasn't one magical, "A-hah" moment where I knew, one calendar date where I could mark off, "This was the day I chose to go on a mission." Instead, it was a question of why. Why did I decide to go on a mission? I guess you could say, it's a long story.

Like most people my age, when President Monson announced the age drop, the potential for me being able to serve a mission sparked some desire in my heart. I came from a good group of friends and we had all lived our lives as good member missionaries, so for most people who knew us, missions would be obvious if we ever had the inclination. My friends were stellar girls who I could (still can!)  always look up to for anything.

For me though, I often felt like I was the "Black Sheep" of the friend group. (They will fervently and truthfully deny that! They love me too much!) Really, I wasn't, but I guess you could say I was more inclined to the worldly way of things like fashion and makeup--you know, your usual twitter-patted school-girl. Back in the day they joked that I'd probably be married right out of high-school (psh--what a laugh!) Moving on...

So they started their papers. We had to finish High School first. I wouldn't turn 19 for a few years, but their birthdays were the following summer and fall. We graduated and 2 of them left consecutively. The two babies of the group, myself included, decided to get a semester or two under our belt in our down time.

I got one semester down, and decided that I wanted to do something else with my life. My blessing talked about a life of service, but all I really seemed to be doing at the present moment was focusing on myself. Plus, I wanted to make sure a mission would really be right for me. I'd never really been out of the state before, let alone the country! But my sister had the opportunity after she graduated to go down to Quito, Ecuador and serve in an orphanage. (http://www.orphanagesupport.org/) I talked it over with my mom, and we both decided that this would also be good for me to go and experience.
And so, three days after Christmas 2013, I packed my bags and headed 3,000 miles away from home to live in a Country who's language I didn't speak to change dirty diapers, bathe squirming children, and have my heart grow and break in ways I didn't even know possible. At current, it was the best experience of my life!!

I learned to love the people of Ecuador and the Hispanic communities so much. My heart would burst just seeing little families waiting in line to board a crowded bus, or walking along the dusty streets. The language was beautiful. I loved it so much.

Unfortunately, while I was down there, I was forced to come face-to-face with one of the harder realities of my life. Despite feeling so much love for these people and the little kids that had become the world to me, I had depression. It wasn't something that I had ever admitted to before fully. I was too proud to admit to anyone that there was something "wrong" with me, or that I needed help. And I let that depression get to me. I dwelt on it too much when it was there, and even thought about it long after it had gone away. It got to the point that I felt like I wasn't loving my babies the way that they need me to. And I was scared.

And so I prayed. With all that I had left, I prayed. And I asked Heavenly Father just for someone to talk to. Someone who could understand me and not judge me because of what I was feeling. Someone who would just listen. But honestly, I didn't know if He'd follow through.
 At the House, we were expecting a lady to come that next morning who would stay with us for two weeks. With what hope I had, I hoped she'd be the answer to my prayer.

And She was. She was my Mom! We talked and cried and in the end, we decided that I should come back home with her, and get the help that I finally admitted that I needed. It was so hard, but I knew that Heavenly Father had arranged everything, down to the last tiny detail, and that this was the right thing to do. I broke my heart, but I have learned that God loves broken things, and that that is the best way that He can fix and recreate us into the people He wants us to become.

So I came home. The depression didn't go away. But I was given a great counselor who in turn gave me great tools to deal with what I was feeling. To see things for what they really were and to think logically through all of my thoughts.

There came a time that I decided that I was well enough to make another big decision in my life. I missed the feeling of serving in Ecuador, that literal love that I felt for the people who merely passed me on the streets. I wanted to live a life that God could more easily direct. So I started my mission papers. And I did it in SECRET! My family didn't know. Part of me wanted to prove to them that I was ready for this. That I could do these things by myself, and that I was strong enough. They knew about my experience with depression and were worried about me. But "I was strong enough."
Little did I know that Heavenly Father had more humbling experiences, some with depression, some without, in store for me. I told my Mom, Dad, and brother during a few of those moments, and I learned that it wasn't "weak" to have the support of people who loved you. It was Satan that wanted me to feel like I was alone in all of this. Great lessons for another time ;)

After the submission of my papers, my Call didn't come in the usual 2 weeks. It didn't come after 3, or 4, or even 5 weeks. From July-October, all my papers said were "In Progress." Finally, I was told that I needed to resubmit them the coming November. By that point, what was one more month? After the second submission, they still did not come after the usual 2 weeks. By Thanksgiving, I was asking, "What are you doing this for, God? Haven't I learned enough about patience these last few months?" But despite these doubts, I stayed faithful. I knew, and I couldn't deny, that He played a huge part in the tiny details of my life, and for whatever purpose, He had a Plan for me. Specific for Me. And that was the amazing revelation that kept me "enduring to the end." I knew that He loved me.

Finally, December 4, 2014, I picked the large white envelope up from the post office (I have sneaky, snoopy siblings that would be blown away if they had been the one to come across that in the mail box. We wouldn't want that now, would we? ;) )With the actual envelope in hand came the fear of, "What the heck am I doing this for?!" You all know how Satan works. By the end of the night, my fears were subsided with faith. This was His Plan for me. I would go where He wanted me to go, and I would go willingly.

December 7, 2014, I finally opened the call I had waited 6 months to receive. When I first read "California," there was a tiny flicker of disappointment, but I was reminded of the inspiration I had received, and I knew that it was right. Even more so, I feel that love coming back to me for the Hispanic people who I will get to teach in San Diego, and the memories that the Spanish language brings back to me are wonderful. I am SO EXCITED to serve! There is no better time to be a missionary! Heavenly Father is doing a great work among the children of men, and He has called me to be part of it! This is His will, and I Will go and do as Nephi did. I know a mission will be hard, but it will also be beautiful as I put my faith in Him and do His will.

Why I chose to serve a mission, is because, after all I went through, I knew that I was never alone. I knew that the Savior was with me and I was being guided by my Heavenly Father in the direction that I needed to go. The Enabling Power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ is Real! It is such a beautiful and powerful thing. That is the message that I want to share with the people of the San Diego. That through Jesus Christ, they can become all that their Heavenly Father wants them to become. It is through His love that we can all return to live with Him some day! I know this Church is true! It is so real and so dear to me! We have a prophet on the Earth today that is truly God's mouth piece! I am so thankful for the many blessings I have in my life! I am so grateful to be a MISSIONARY!
En el nombre de Jesucristo,
Amen

Con muchas Amor,
Hermanita Holly Howell  

Christmas and Clothes...too many Clothes...

Merry-day-after-Christmas Everyone! We've cleared away the boxes and the wrapping papers, gorged ourselves on candies and chocolates and potato chips, reveling in the residual peaceful moments of having the house to ourselves again, yet missing the crazies that once occupied the now silent house. I am grateful that my family all could make it and we had SNOW on Christmas!! Even more, I am grateful for a loving Savior and a day set apart to really remember His Birth, and the whole purpose of this life!



Being a soon-to-be-Sister-Missionary, you can imagine what I got for Christmas. Skirts! and Shoes! (Not much of a surprise, but what can ya do? Got to try them on...My Mom's a gem!)
So today, we went through them all, and my closet. "You have tooooo many clothes..." Ya...
Needless to say, it took a while, but I think we both had fun. I mean, I don't really leave till March, so there is bound to be some changes to this... And I'll play around with the outfits more and probably post more pictures, so... for your viewing pleasures, The "End" Results:

(More pictures to come, but so far, these are the shirts/blouses we thought looked best with all the other outfits...)

Got to Love Cardigans. Especially when they are upside down... haha
Courtesy of this great thrift store in SLC called SAVERS! It's amazing. I got like 50 things for only $120 dollars. Utah Sisters, Check IT OUT! 

These are the skirts I decided on for sure. Courtesy of  Down East, DI, Seagul Book's Sea Salt Collection, and the Sister Shoppe

I couldn't decide which of these floral skirts I wanted to bring. The more "Printy" they are, the less things I can match with them. Worth taking? That's the definite question to be answered... But they are pretty adorbs. Courtesy of DI and Down East

ZAPATOS!! 

Yes, once again too many, I think... But there's the "cute vs comfort" dilemma I'm dealing with. I'm not even a "shoe person." #barefeetforlife ... I kind of got addicted to the Oxford style shoes. How well they will hold up is questionable. My gym shoes are nice with their memory foam insoles. 

These are called Gravity Defyers. They will be my "tracting" shoes. They have reverse trampoline soles that are pretty sweet to walk on. I found them here @ http://www.nomorerack.com/. The picture showed them with floral insides but the ones I got didn't so... Still, they were supposedly $130 value, and I got them for about $50. They are growing on me. 

 I can't decide between these two Messenger Bags!

 Pro: This has a lot of compartments/pockets inside and outside that I can use to organize the things I have to put inside. These bags will hold what I need for an entire day.

Con: The straps would require some work. Either replacing them completely or making them longer into a cross-body strap.

Pro: It converts into a BACKPACK!! How sweet is that? It can be a cross over or just a shoulder bag as well. Nifty. Yes, I used that word...

Con: Space... It is okay, but I really prefer the amount of pockets the other one has. This one has the two large outlying pockets, then an internal zipper pocket that is about the same size. My bags tend to have the "Mary Poppins Magic Bag" trick to them, sans magic and sans the ability to find things in them once place inside. #thestruggleisreal 

Possible Solution?

A Pikle!

http://inapikle.com/ 

"In A Pikle" is this great company I think I found through Facebook. I have bought all my sister missionary friends one for their missions--They love them!--and then my mom got me one, bless her! It's the perfect packaged holder of little things every girl needs, like bobby pins, elastics, fingernail clippers, saftey pins, scissors, a little sewing kit, hand sanitizer, etc... It's fabulous. I'm excited to put mine to good use. And it comes in adorable box. Many different styles and colors, too. Can't go wrong by that.

Probably a good thing I don't leave till March. Too many choices, and I need the time to prepare... for everything! Hope you enjoy what's to come---who am I kidding? I hope I enjoy it ;) 

Con Muchas Amor,

Hermanita Holly Howell

Dear Sister Howell....

"Dear Sister Howell,
You are hereby called to serves as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the California San Diego Mission. You should report to the Provo Missionary Training Center on Wednesday, March 4, 2015. You will prepare to preach the gospel in the Spanish language.
I am so excited to start this new adventure in my life!! This is where He needs me to be.
And I am so Happy that my Family knows now. 
Love,
Hermana Howell"

I opened my call December 7, 2014. Everything really did go according to my "Master Plan" --- even if it did take an extra 6 or so months to plan. ((See Blog Post from July 28)) We got some epic reactions on camera, so once I compile them all together, I'll upload them to this. Truly, they are epic! Haha, worth every moment.
I never would have guessed California, but now that that is where I am going, it does feel right. I didn't want to go to a big city. I didn't want to go somewhere hot. I'd be content to wear warms sweaters and big fluffy coats my whole mission. I would have loved to go somewhere with lots of snow. Honestly, I was thinking somewhere in Scandinavia...haha...
All of this just goes to show how much my Heavenly Father knows me so much better than I know myself. For starters, I can already see the benefits of California. The sun will be great for my health. I get to have flush-able toilets and still speak a language I love without going foreign. I have access to normal, readable-in-english medicines. (It was kind of an adventure searching for medicine in an Ecuadorian pharmacy when you're already feeling sick and you have no idea what you're looking for...haha...true story!)
So, I get sun, and no snow. I get to be tan, and not pale. I get to be hot, and not cold. I get to see the ocean. I get to speak SPANISH! I really am so excited! And, one of my friends from Ecuador is in the same mission right now! Small world! I am so glad she's there and can give me advice. It will be awesome!
It will be hard, but it will be awesome! This will be a new adventure that can help prepare me for the rest of my life. I think that sometimes Satan gets me to think that I'm going stateside because I am weak and not strong enough for a foreign mission. Those are lies. I know my Heavenly Father well enough and have seen His hand so many times in my life to know that this is part of His plan for me. He needs me in California. He needs my love of the Spanish language. For whatever reason, He needs me, and I will always and forever need him.
So, San Diego California, here I come!
Gracias Padre Eterno.
Con muchas amor,
Hermana Holly Howell

p.s.
Who would have though shopping would be such a daunting task?? More posts to come about my Sister Missionary finds!

It has COME!!! And yet....

No, I haven't opened it yet. You know my master plan.
In fact, I haven't looked at it again since I picked it up at the post office and brought it home. It's stashed away in closet in my room...
I think it started yesterday. I didn't want it to come. What? After all these months, and I didn't want it to come? And, it didn't. They told me it was assigned on Tuesday, and guessed it would come on Wednesday, like it usually does. But I didn't want it to. And, it didn't.
Then, the potential came for it to come today. And I wasn't sure what I wanted. But I worked it out so I'd be the one to get it from the post office. The post master would call me and leave a message that it was there. I was at work. I sneaked a peak at my phone. 3 missed calls and a voice mail. So it had come... 5 calls total from the time I got off work.
Please respect my truthfulness here for a moment as I try to explain, and therefore understand my own feelings.
I thought I would feel something. Feel something when I found out. Feel something when I picked it up from the post office. Feel something as I actually held it it my hands for the first time. But, I didn't. I felt like I was experiencing postpartum depression. The call was the baby I'd been waiting 9 months for, and I couldn't connect to it. I couldn't remember the joys I felt getting the papers ready, waiting for the call, the good testimony builder moments that I experienced through my struggles. I didn't feel like it was even here.
I guess the overwhelming feeling was, or question that was lingering in my mind, "Was it worth the wait?"
And that was a terrible feeling: Guilt mixed with selfish wants. I wasn't naive enough to not know where those feelings are coming from.
I posted a question to my fellow sister missionaries on the "Many are Called...but few are Sister's" Facebook page, and beautifully got a lot of replies.
One other fear I stressed to my sisters is the fear of going stateside. I felt like for me personally, going stateside would mean I wasn't capable of serving anywhere they couldn't buy me a quick plane ticket home if things went wrong. So why send me at all?
The answer? Because I need this. If I am ever to become who He wants me to be, I have to do what He asks of me. Climb mountains, wash babies bums, walk cobblestone or asphalt streets. I need this. I may not want it now for some reason, but I need this. It's just another trial, but it is my trial, designed uniquely for me, so that He can create and mold me into the person He needs me to be. He Needs Me. And I so desperately Need Him. 
So no, It may not be on the mountain height

1. Or over the stormy sea,
   It may not be at the battle's front
   My Lord will have need of me.
   But if, by a still, small voice he calls
   To paths that I do not know,
   I'll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine:
   I'll go where you want me to go.
2. (Chorus)
   I'll go where you want me to go, dear Lord,
   Over mountain or plain or sea;
   I'll say what you want me to say, dear Lord;
   I'll be what you want me to be.
3.  Perhaps today there are loving words
   Which Jesus would have me speak;
   There may be now in the paths of sin
   Some wand'rer whom I should seek.
   O Savior, if thou wilt be my guide,
   Tho dark and rugged the way,
   My voice shall echo the message sweet:
   I'll say what you want me to say.
4. There's surely somewhere a lowly place
   In earth's harvest fields so wide
   Where I may labor through life's short day
   For Jesus, the Crucified.
   So trusting my all to thy tender care,
   And knowing thou lovest me,
   I'll do thy will with a heart sincere:
   I'll be what you want me to be.
   Those words totally came to my head and I Googled the song. I say it was inspiration. 
   And these quotes are from my dear sisters on the Facebook page. Also inspired. Love you girls! 
   
   
   I'll go where you want me to go,
   Sister Holly Howell 
   

On this day of Thanks...

I got to spend the day with my family, extended and immediate. As usual we made too many pies-17 was the number I heard. I didn't count personally. Probably one pie for every person who came! I am not much of a "thanksgiving" food fan, but my aunt made these delicious roles, and I was an instant fan girl. We watched a good movie together and spent time listening to Christmas music.
My list should be longer. And I'm not perfect yet (I know I never will be in this life). No big announcement this week. In fact, things will be further delayed do to this Day of Thanks. I hate to see this cycle repeat itself over and over, and am well aware that I do it to myself. I guess I'm still trying to figure out the lesson I'm supposed to learn from all of this. His plan. My plan. Sometimes I think they are the same, but I don't see it play through and once again I get discouraged.

Church last Sunday was all about submitting our will to His. There was a story of a man who was given the commandment to push on a rock all the days of his life. At the end of his life, he stood discouraged before his Savior.
"Lord, I pushed that rock everyday of my life, and I was never able to move it. Not even an inch. Why Lord? Why did you have me push this rock if you knew I could never move it?"
The Savior looked lovingly at the man, and placed his strong hand on his shoulder reassuringly. "You were not required to move the rock. That is my Job. You were only required to push."

Maybe this is the same for all of us. Having the faith to "push against our rocks every day." Rocks are rough. The are hard. They are heavy to bear. Sometimes they take everything from you, and then some. Satan wants us to think that we have to do it by ourselves. That we can't do it at all. That were not strong enough to do it. That doing it isn't worth it. That it's stupid and not cool to push rocks. But that's because he knows he can wrangle us in by building our pride. By telling us we're failures. By calling us weak. Telling us we shouldn't was our time.

Satan knows our weaknesses. But so does Christ. And Christ can make weak things become strong unto us.
My pride may be getting in the way of this whole learning process. Perhaps I lost sight of the purpose of a mission and became more focused on the Call. Became more concerned with the honors of men more than the glories of God. I've been thinking this last week of opening my call by myself in a sacred, private place, to share the special moment between me and my Heavenly Father. I did have this whole plan set up, but what if that is not what He wants me to do? I've been more focused on what I wanted that perhaps I have missed the Will and wants of my Heavenly Father.

I still don't know. But I hope my call is coming. And I do know my Heavenly Father loves me. In that I can trust, and for that I am thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving,
Future Sister Holly Howell

Ready for ASSIGNMENT!!!

"So your status has changed to "Ready for Assignment."
That is one of the best text messages I have received. No doubt the "Assigned" will still thrill me! Things are actually moving!! And I am so grateful.
I am ashamed to say that only days before this, I was not so grateful. It was last Sunday, and I got another text that said my papers were still in progress. I was frustrated. With myself. With God. Which made me more frustrated with myself! I knew inside that I needed to accept the things that I couldn't control, but I also felt "jipped." I believed (and still do, past tense is for point) in a God who would give good gifts to His children. So why wasn't he now? The whole "ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you" scripture... Fractured thoughts of disappointment mingled with feelings of rejection hacked away at my happy, positive ones. Wasn't wanting to share my mission call with my family a good thing? Hadn't I waited long enough? Hadn't I been patient this whole time, and passed the tests? Shouldn't my papers be passed on through quicker, since they were already at the mission department for 5+ months? Weren't my desires to go on a mission a good thing? Didn't I receive that answer when I first started this journey?
Satan definitely knows his game. But, I know my life. I knew that these feelings of frustration and even doubt were coming from him. And that I had resources at my disposal to get rid of them. I had learned from my past not to dwell on things I couldn't change. It humbled me to ask for help, because my Pride was a factor being played with in Satan's game. But Heavenly Father's tool of Humility scored more points, strengthening my testimony. I asked my Earthly father for a blessing. I wanted to feel peace. I wanted my frustrations to dissolve away into clarity, and to know my true feelings rather than these fake-baked ideas that held no true basis in my mind anyways. I got to witness my father feeling the inspiration of the spirit at that time as he laid his hands upon my head. It was a long blessing, but he was guided to know what to say, and words he said helped me strengthen my connection to both my Heavenly and Earthly fathers. It was a truly tender mercy.
Heavenly Father then continued to humble me, as I learned the next day that my oldest brother and his family were going to be there for Thanksgiving. Remember "The Master Plan" and #7 from the 2 real post I wrote on this blog? How I wanted to introduce my family to that "Special Someone" who in reality was me, as a sister missionary? Well, I thought my plans were foiled. I wouldn't be able to tell them, and this whole time, most of them think that I am dating/engaged to one of my friends. I felt awful if they wouldn't have been able to be a part of that reveal. Mostly my guilty conscience for making them worry about me. But their Thanksgiving plans fell through. While that is sad for them in some regards, I know Heavenly Father had a hand in it. He does give good gifts to His children and He cares about me.  He loves me.
And what a great week to receive a mission call??? At ward prayer in my singles ward, we were challenged to pray a prayer of thanks each time we prayed. Another humbling experience and it really helped out in relieving my frustrations. It helped me so much to focus on the things that I did have, rather than the things I didn't. And even then, I was grateful for the things I didn't have! I have learned that with each thing that we don't have, we are actually gaining so much more than we are lacking. I am thankful for those moments that try my testimony and that give me the opportunities to learn how to strengthen them. I am thankful for mistakes so that I may learn how not to make them again. To improve and do better the next time. I am thankful for the Atonement, that I can use it constantly, and that Jesus loves me enough to go through my trials with me.

So, I feel "Ready for Assignment!" Just as I have for the past few months now. It is all in His timing. I guess His timing is right about now. I think that I am okay with that ;)

Ready to be assigned,
Future Sister Holly Howell

P.S. This just got Real! ;)
 

Wherefore Didst Thou Doubt?

Wherefore Didst Thou Doubt
The storms of life seem treacherous at times. We've grown up knowing that trials are good for us and they make us stronger, but sometimes the waves great really rough, and we get scared. Really scared. We call out, like Peter did, "If it is You, Lord...bade me come out to thee on the water---If it it's You, Lord, let me know you're really there." In a moment of faith, we step out blindly onto the water, heeding the voice that beacons to us, "Come." But, the distance seems a lot longer than we think it should be, and the wind is boisterous. Suddenly aware of the water, it begins to rise around us again, and last lingering remnants of faith send a panicked plea upward, "Help me Lord. Please save me from this deep."
And just like that, His hands, scarred from the nails at Calvary, grasp onto yours and pull you up. Some of us are required to walk on these rough waters a lot longer than others. But, despite our doubts, we can hold firmly to the truth that the hand which holds us up, is the Son of God. He must let go to test our faith, but His hands are stretched out still. We have to be the ones to walk it, but He will always be there to pull as back up as doubt and fear cause us to sink. "Of a truth, [He is] the Son of God."
Granted, sometimes we don't know why were are often required to walk on the water, rather than to float. Boats are great inventions, so why not brave the rough waters in a vessel made for braving them? Perhaps it is that true growth comes from without of our comfort zone. Perhaps the Lord is teaching us sometimes, how to swim--at the very least, He wants us to know how to dog paddle. To tread the water. To have faith that we will one day rise above laws of physics or fear that hold us down at the level of the waves.

Learning to Swim,
Future Sister Holly Howell

1 Nephi 1:1

I finished the Doctrine and Covenants a few days ago and started on the Book of Mormon again last night, this time with a study journal!
I think that 1 Nephi 1:1 is probably one of the most read scriptures of the Book of Mormon, because anyone who starts to read the Book of Mormon has to start somewhere, and that is the first verse of the entire Book of Mormon. I'm  only now fully understanding the significance of this scripture. It not only sets the scene for Nephi's journey, but for the entire Book of Mormon---and for each and every one of our lives. Break it down with me here for a few seconds.

1 I, Nephi, having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father; and having seen many afflictions in the course of my days, nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days; yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God, therefore I make a record of my proceedings in my days.

This verse sets the stage for us in our lives. True, not all of us were born of 'goodly parents' or raised in the most opportune of circumstances. But regardless of these circumstances, we, like Nephi, can learn to look past these trials and afflictions and see the goodness and the grace of our Loving Heavenly Father. Because of His love for us, we are blessed and 'highly favored' in His sight. Nephi recognized that while hard things have to happen to us, that our Heavenly Father isn't going to let us go through it alone. Moroni was very inspired to include this verse first and foremost. 

I have definitely experienced hard times in my life. But despite all of this, I knew that Heavenly Father loved me and that "all these things would give [me] experience and be for [my] good."When I am having a bad day, or even a few of them in a row, there comes a time when I wonder why I'm still up, and why I'm still moving, and going on with my day. Depression sucks. But at the same time, the answer I receive to that question is a recollection and understanding of my faith and my hope that my life really does have a purpose, and although I can see it clearly right now (There's no white envelope addressed to me in my mail box just yet...) I know that it is out there somewhere. And that's why I'm still moving. My purpose is much more than a white envelope, though. It's all about becoming something more than I am at present. To do good with my life. To succeed in whatever life throws my way. I move slower than others at times. I don't go as fast or as successful as I wish I could. But the fact that, despite all this, I keep moving--that's what is important. To me and to my Heavenly Father. 

So,

I, Holly, having been born of goodly parents, having grown up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints; and yet having experience many afflictions and trials in the course of my days, NEVERTHELESS,

Having been highly blessed by the Lord in all of my days, I have gained a knowledge of the goodness and glories of a Loving and Merciful Heavenly Father, 

Therefore, I will make a record (in this case, a blog) of the proceedings of my days 

(leading up to, during, and following my mission) 

I really like how Nephi's testimony can be summed up in one verse, yet is powerful beyond measure. 

I'm still waiting on my call. Call me a Waitress, because I'm really good at waiting, but one day I will understand and be more grateful for this experience than I am at present. It has been good to learn patience and test my faith and rely on hope in my Heavenly Father to believe that what He is doing is best for me.

Fridays are the days that they assign mission calls, so I've heard, so tomorrow may be the day... 

Continuing in Patience,

Future Sister Holly Howell 

Pondering The Path of My Feet

I love to go on walks. There is this dirt road that I take that goes up a few hills to a cement bridge that beneath runs a canal. In the Summer I would go up there and just sit, stretch, and think about life. There were fields all around me and grassy, rolling hills. I would feel really peaceful up there. I'd look back over the valley and retrace my steps. I think it is important in life to do just that--take a step back and look at how far you've come, and then look ahead and see how far you have to go, and more importantly where you're going.
President Monson gave a wonderful talk in the October 2014 General Conference called 'Ponder the Path of Your Feet." This talk was really powerful to me, because I got the chance too look at my life again, and to reassess myself. Where did I want to go? Was I doing the things that would help me get there? I think that we should never be content with the path of our feet, because there will always be things that we can change and improve on, little directional changes to our course.
As we put our faith in our Father in Heaven, He gives us the companionship of the Holy Ghost to be a literal compass in our lives.
That being said, our path won't be easy. I have learn from experience that God's path is always going to be uphill. But I find comfort in knowing that my Savior Jesus Christ walked the paths of temptation, sorrow, pain, and discouragement, and that on my own Path, because of this, I will never walk alone. And once we reach the top, once we overcome those discouragements and hardships, we will witness blessings and vistas beyond compare.
I know this is true, and I am so grateful for my Savior. His is the path to follow. Life is a climb, but the view is greatest from the top.
Lots of Love,
Future Sister Holly Howell

P.S. Lovelies!! My Papers are Officially IN, AGAIN!! ;) Woot Woot! It's been a good, long climb, but I am on the path, and the view is in sight!

She's Quotable

So remember when I said that I joined a Facebook page for Sister Missionaries? Well, it's called, "Many are called...but few are Sisters!!" I get updates from sisters around the globe who are getting mission calls and returning and fulfilling the Errand of Angels. I found this really good thought from one of those sisters that I couldn't resist sharing because it was such a good thought--one that I really needed at the moment! Here it is:

Hey, Sisters. I have something to say.
The phrase "Forget yourself and go to work" is a phrase that you will hear over and OVER and OVER on your mission.
Let's clarify this phrase a bit, 'kay?
This means to FORGET and FORSAKE your selfish wants. However, it DOES NOT mean that you should FORSAKE yourself -- your spiritual, emotional, and physical NEEDS. Yes, it is sometimes required of you to keep on knocking doors for another hour until dinner or lunch or whatever even if you are tired, etc.
But listen to your body. Listen to the Spirit. Trust in God. Take care of yourself so you can take care of God's children in your calling. God wants you to work hard, but NOT SO HARD that it taxes your emotional or physical health.
"The spirit and the body are the soul of man." Doc & Cov 88:15.

In this great work we are called to do -- to save souls which are so precious to our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ -- Please, please, PLEASE remember that you are a soul, too.

Amazing, right? It is human nature to think of yourself, but it is godly to think of others before yourself. When we put aside our selfish wants and desires, we become closer to Heavenly Father. But we needn't neglect ourselves in the process. I have heard it said that we can't fully love others until we truly love ourselves. They go hand in hand, but knowing who you are--that kind of love--trumps the others by a landslide.
That being said,
Off to Work I go,
Future Sister Holly Howell

Experienced War Veterans...in training.

I re-read the words from a dear friend today. She is encouraging as always and out serving her own mission right now. Her words reminded me of a talk given at a fireside I went to the other day.  She said:
"You have so many spiritual gifts! Not just that, but you use them! That's why Satan is fighting you so hard, because he knows the Valiant, Courageous Warrior of Light you are! He knows how many lives you will touch, and do, as you keep sharing your testimony! Keep fighting!"

This is how it is for everyone of us. In the talk I mentioned, Elder Lawrence (I think...), of the Seventy, said that we are all experienced war veterans. Satan knows our potential as a Child of Light and would to have us believe that we are weak and worthless. Other times, he tweaks our pride, to make us believe that we are powerful and better than everyone else. But as we remain faithful to Christ and His teachings, we are able to overcome and win the battle against the adversary. We don't always win, but with each failure there is always something to be gained; the next strategy to better ward off the attacks the next time. We are time-tested warriors whose God is great.
Also borrowing the suggestion from my good friend, we can read in Alma 43 and see the Similarities of Captain Moroni and our own Savior, Jesus Christ. The armies of the Nephites can be seen as you and me, and the armies of the Lamanites are the Adversary and his threatening temptations.

19...[Christ] had prepared his people with breastplates and with arm-shields, yea, and also shields to defend their heads, and also they were dressed with thick clothing—[ with Testimony, faith, and the whole armor of God]

 26 And he caused that all the people in that quarter of the land should gather themselves together to battle against the [Adversary], to defend their lands and their country, their rights and their liberties;[their testimonies and their faith] therefore they were prepared against the time of the coming of the [Adversary]

 29 And now, as [Christ] knew the intention of the [Adversary], that it was their intention to destroy their brethren, or to subject them and bring them into bondage[of sin] that they might establish a kingdom unto themselves over all the land [and make them miserable like unto himself]
 30 And [Christ] also knowing that it was the only desire of [His People] to preserve their lands, and their liberty, and their church, therefore he thought it no sin that he should defend them by stratagem; therefore, he found by his spies which course the [Adversary] were to take.

 43 Now in this case the [Adversary and his temptations] did fight exceedingly; yea, never had the [Adversary] been known to fight with such exceedingly great strength and courage, no, not even from the beginning.[Because the people of Christ were becoming stronger, and Satan knew he was losing]

 44 And they were inspired by the [Adversary] who were their chief captains and leaders, and by [Satan] who was their chief captain, or their chief leader and commander; yea, they did fight like dragons, and many of the [the people of Christ] were slain by their hands, yea, for they did smite in two many of their head-plates, and they did pierce many of their breastplates, and they did smite off many of their arms; and thus the [Adversary] did smite in their fierce anger.

 45 Nevertheless, the [Warriors of Christ] were inspired by a better cause, for they were not fighting for monarchy nor power but they were fighting for their homes and their liberties, their wives and their children, and their all, yea, for their rites of worship and their church.

  48 And it came to pass that when the [Warriors of Christ] saw the fierceness and the anger of the [The Adversary and his temptations] they were about to shrink and flee from them. And [Christ] perceiving their intent, sent forth and inspired their hearts with these thoughts [Through his Holy Spirit]—yea, the thoughts of their lands, their liberty, yea, their freedom from bondage.

 50 And they began to stand against the [temptations of the Devil] with power; and in that selfsame hour that they cried unto the Lord for their freedom, the [Adversary] began to flee before them... [Pray always that ye may conquer Satan]


As we stand by Christ, we will be Victorious. Always. Without a Doubt, Christ will win. And we as His followers, as His Warriors, we ever be encircled about in the arms of His love as we put our faith and our Trust in Him. We are WINNING. We are Christ's.

Fighting for the light,
Future Sister Holly Howell

"They were your biggest Fans!!"

I had a great meeting with my Counselor from LDS Family Services last night. I filled him about the goings on of the last 5 months since we last talked. It was encouraging to know that he was very impressed and proud of me and my accomplishments over this time. He also was able to fill me in a little bit more on the whole process that the Mission Department was involved in while working on my papers. Let me elaborate.
Since the Announcement was made in Conference for the Missionary Age to be lowered, a great amount of Missionaries, both Elders and Sisters, have been returning early. So, in order to prevent this, certain guidelines have been set up-- a 6 month criteria that needs to be met, especially by those who have had any experience with depression or other forms of mental illness. That being said...
"They wanted to send you out as soon as you put your papers in. They even called me and said 'How do we get Holly out on a Mission?' And I said, 'Well, Send Her!' I think they were your biggest fans through this whole thing."
This news really made me feel so happy, and even more sure that it is all in God's Timing. I guess in my mind at times, as I've said already, I saw these people as maybe a bunch of hardened psychologists who held the fate of a little girl's future in their hands. Of course, that's a bit dramatic, and I knew it wasn't true, but at times it literally felt that way.
To have the added knowledge that it really is all up to Heavenly Father leaves me with so much peace. I am getting so excited to serve again! Things are moving again, and I am getting ready to share the love of this Gospel with others. Doctrine and Covenants is packed with "Preach my Gospel" scriptures and I am getting stoked once again!

Sharing the love,
Future Sister Holly Howell 

To Sit on the Bench

This is beyond beautiful. We all need to be those bench sitters, the ones who can offer that out-stretched arm of love and compassion to those who are struggling and in need. Love is so powerful. Depression and Suicide are a real force that so many of us have been given the trial of dealing with. But that Love, that pure Christ-like love and taking the time to sit on the bench, to just be there for someone, to listen, to feel, to sometimes not say anything and just be there---That love is a light more powerful than any of the darkest episodes of depression. Please, don't forget that.
 We don't know what everyone else is going through. Sometimes I don't think we even know what we're going through ourselves. I am so eternally grateful for a friend who listened to the promptings of the Spirit and took the time to sit by me on my 'bench.' Just a few words, a kind gesture, and a smile on her face... It made all the difference.
When my Mom came down to Ecuador, we had a chance to really sit on a bench together, in the biggest park in South America, and just talk. All these bent up emotions inside of me I could finally release. I cried. She cried. But the darkness lifted overtime, and it was all because of that bench. It's amazing how much my Heavenly Father is aware of me and my needs. How much He loves me. How much He is aware of my every need, even for a small park bench. But for a mother who I could trust. A mother who I loved and she loved me. The world was so big, yet at one dark moment, I had seemed so small. You could say that it took a sit on the bench for me to realize how wrong I had been. And how right my Father's Plan of Happiness truly was.
So, lend an arm. Take a sit on that old bench. You may not understand what they are going through, but the impact your small act of compassion can make is beyond comprehension. Don't judge. Don't nag. Don't push. When they are ready to talk, just be there. You'll never know the impact you'll make. All they want is someone who'll care. Someone to say, "I want you here."

I feel so free. There is a peace that comes through knowing that, above all else, my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ are always there for me, ever the faithful bench sitters.

With so much love,
Future Sister Holly Howell

The School of Life

I have this psychology class that I am taking that talks about making successful choices in life. I was reading it the other day and came across this thought that I really connected with:

"When we make a course correction, we hope the change improves the quality of our lives. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn’t. But change always presents an opportunity for learning. That’s the way the University of Life works, and you’re enrolled whether you know it or not. Courses in the University of Life are a little different from those in a regular college. These courses are often offered by the Department of Adversities and they include subjects such as Problems 101, Obstacles 203, Mistakes 305, Fail-ures 410, and, for some, a graduate course called Catastrophes 599. Tests are given often, and there are no answers in the back of the book. In fact, there are no textbooks in these courses, only your experiences from which to learn and, hopefully, grow wiser."

In the School of Life, it helps to have a Tender Teacher. Thankfully, that Teacher is our Elder brother, Jesus Christ. He loves us and wants us to Succeed. Despite our frailties and our mistakes, He gives us these tests and these trials because He knows we are capable, with His help, to pass them--more importantly, with flying colors! He has so much love for us! I have felt that so many times in my life. I've experienced enough trials in my life not to recognize this as one. You could say I am a "Hard-things Junkie." As much as the trials hurt and give me so much pain in the moment, when I can overcome them, the growth that I gain is worth so much. It's desirable. I want more. I want to become better. I know that it is through our trials that we can become better, that we can continue to pass these tests, and that we can learn through each wrong answer the way in which we can receive the right answers next time. That's the beautiful thing about the Atonement. An, "At-One"ment with our Savior Jesus Christ.

Anyways, I was excited to see this concept in my textbook. I am recognizing that I was inspired to take some of the classes I did this semester because they are helping me so much to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for a mission and for life. I can see God's hand in the little details of my life, and I will tell you, It is amazing!

Lots of love,
Future Sister Holly Howell

Continue in Patience

What if your blessings come through rain drops...?

I guess I've been thinking about Trials recently, and every time I hear this song, I hear my own testimony in the lyrics.
People ask me, how I'm doing now with depression. I ask myself that as well. But if I think back to every trial and shortcoming and discouragement and moments of darkness I've experienced in my life, and I realize that the answer is: I am doing. I endure. I see these trials in my life they way they are supposed to be seen--as blessings, as opportunities to grow and to learn and to progress. Not as punishments. Not as some karmic stack of bad actions made in another life. Heavenly Father loves me. He knows what I can and can't handle. All He asks is that I have faith in Him. Have the faith to endure through what ever trial He sends lovingly my way. He knows my Strength, and He also knows what makes me Stronger. My weaknesses are only manifestations of my potential strength and power. I am able to recognize them, work on them, and grow from them.
How am I handling this last set back? Honestly, not as well as I should. But, the key is that I know. That I recognize this, again, as a trial. That I recognize the weakness, and I chose to grow and overcome and strengthen this weakness. For whatever reason, there is always something to learn from each moment, a piece of me to uncover, over and over again if needs be, until in shines sparkling clean in the well worn hands of the Maker.

"Blessings"

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Love,
Future Sister Holly Howell

It's been a while....

Since I last posted. Since I began the process to start my papers. Since I submitted them. Since the little postponements lead to bigger and bigger postponements. The newest development I found was the day before General Conference. My Stake President let me know that the mission office has requested that I resubmit my papers...6 months following my last major incident with depression and anxiety. Their records show this was sometime in May, meaning that I will be able to resubmit them again come November. After waiting this long, 1 month and a few weeks isn't so hard.
But... I still feel lost. Like my life is in Limbo right now...I'm waiting around for something to happen. And I know I should go out and make something happen, but with this, there is only so much I can do.
 I realize that I am missing the purpose; a purpose. The whole point of the process is for preparation, not for waiting. NOT for sitting around, as if waiting for this call would bestow on me some medal of courage or added strength, not having taken the time to prepare and gain these qualities before hand. I suppose I looked at the call as a sort of confirmation that this is what I should be doing. I should have seen this as Life preparation, not just Mission Prep. I think this was my original intention, but I lost sight of that. I got caught up with the status of it, and then became distracted by self-concept-ed thoughts of others when I never received my call, day after day, week after week, month after month. I thought people looked at me differently and made judgements based off what I wasn't was--A missionary. But in reality, the person making those judgements, was ME. I started measuring myself by what I wasn't, rather than measuring up to what I could be. I didn't have my call. I was wounded. I wasn't worthy. I had a crazy mind. I had depression. I wasn't healthy. I wasn't going to be good enough. I wasn't ready for the mission. I wasn't ready for life. I wasn't ready to form close relationships. I wasn't loved...
But...
I am LOVED. I can learn to form close relationships, because of that love. I can continually prepare for a mission just as I can prepare for life. I can do my best. My best is good enough. I am working towards getting Healthy. I have come so far with my depression in overcoming it. In enduring it. I have an intelligent mind. I am worthy. I am of worth to my Father in Heaven. I've been wounded, but I am healing. My life may be in limbo, in the hands of another person, but that person is God. Christ has literally engraven my life, ME, upon the palms of His hands. I don't have my call... YET. It is all in His timing. He knows exactly what I am going through and there is a purpose to all of this. And, It is GLORIOUS.

This song does so much good to my heart. You can feel light and love emanating out of it. This is the kind of feeling I want to have with me, always. In the mission, and in life.
[Verse:]
There are times when you might feel aimless
You can't see the places where you belong
But you will find that there is a purpose
It's been there within you all along and when you're near it
You can almost hear it.

[Chorus:]
It's like a symphony just keep listenin'
And pretty soon you'll start to figure out yo part
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it's glorious

[Verse 2:]
You will know how to let it ring out as you discover who you are
Others around you will start to wake up
To the sounds that are in their hearts
It's so amazin', what we're all creatin'

[Chorus:]
It's like a symphony just keep listenin'
And pretty soon you'll start to figure out yo part
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it's glorious

[Bridge:]
And as you feel the notes build
You will see

[Chorus:]
It's like a symphony just keep listenin'
And pretty soon you'll start to figure out yo part
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it's glorious


His Love is Glorious,
Future Sister Holly Howell 

Fearing man more than God

In my heart, I feel the interview went great. I was open and honest. I felt the Spirit testifying that the things I was saying was true.
But I had a hard time reading the person who was interviewing me. He had his eyes closed most of the time (No, he wasn't asleep) and he kept playing with his pen and then writing things down once he got a good idea of what I was saying. After I left the interview, I worried a bit about how much power that man had into "making or breaking" my mission call. I couldn't help but wonder, what if? What if he wasn't really paying attention? What if he really wasn't feeling the same things I was feeling? What if his review of my didn't fill the cut that the Mission Department would like? I was scared of the judgements of this man, rather than having Faith in the Love of my Father in Heaven.
 This is something that as human beings, I feel we all have a problem with. I worry about what others think of my too often, and worry their judgements define me. But that just isn't true. It can't be. Not with what I know about my Heavenly Father. He is too good. He loves me too much to let the words of others or the judgements they pass become part of my genetic make-up. He made me with Love. He made me with Worth and Heart and Soul and Faith and Light. And He is still there letting me know that this is true. He will not leave my comfortless. I still get distracted. I still get confused. I still get lead into thinking one thing may be right when in reality I know it's not. He knows I make mistakes, but He loves me infinitely. Whole. Complete. Unchanging. That's real Love. And He knows my heart. Whatever happens, it will be for the best, and it will be part of His Plan for me.

I found a lot of ironic humor in this photo. I should have known though. There are always mountains to climb. God is Good!

Love,
Future Sister Holly Howell

The day before...Pivotal moments?

Maybe I will never publish this, but maybe I will. I just feel that it needs to be said, and that it needs to be written down as testimony, something of a foundation to fall back on, as mentioned before. I am scared. Tomorrow is the interview, the hopefully final step in this long process of waiting for a mission call. My mission call. Call me dramatic, but I feel like so much hangs in the balance here. I just am hoping and praying that I am in the right frame of mind during this interview, that my mind will remember the real reason I want and need to go on a mission. So, in essence to prepare myself for this interview, I'll write my feelings down; the reasons down.

As I have though back to my dark moments in Ecuador, and tried to process them, to understand them in a better light, the one analogy that I fall back to is always that: Light. I compare it to a dark, pitch black room. One that your eyes have come adjusted to. You're not necessarily scared of the dark, but you're not comfortable in it either. It has slowly gotten darker, almost imperceptibly, until it reaches the point where you're incomplete darkness. Maybe someone is turning down the dimmer switch in a theater. You can't really go anywhere in this darkness without bumping into things, because you can't see clearly. Things don't make sense like they used to. Things lose form and blend together, and after a while, it feels like you do too.
Suddenly, someone flips on all the lights, all at once. You squint, and close you're eyes tight, attempting to deny the light, momentarily. It's too bright. It hurts your eyes that had grown accustom to the darkness. You can sense the light on the other side of your eyelids, but still keep them closed, because you're sensitive to it. Slowly, little by little, you open your eyes. Things begin to make sense again. Things start taking shape and you can understand things better.

This was me. I had let these dark, lonely thoughts creep into my mind, dimming my spirit and making me believe that I wasn't worth anything; that I wasn't doing any good. That it was better to lose form. To disappear and fade away, become part of the darkness.
But then He flipped on all the lights, all at once. He sent her. My Mom. The only person I could talk to easily. That I could confide in and trust. But it was hard to believe at first. I tried to deny it. It was too big to be a coincidence. But I couldn't believe that He would do that for me. I couldn't make sense of why He would do this for me. I couldn't make sense of who He was to me, or more importantly, Who I was to Him. I was one girl in the mountains of Ecuador. It was a crowded city. It was a crowded world. Why me? Why. Save. Me? Who was I? As I opened my eyes, as He gave me something so undeniable to see--a light so bright that I could not deny it--I began to see things more clearly. The darkness tried to get back in, many times, but the Light is always too bright. Even coming home from Ecuador, the few weeks after I got home, I hadn't opened my eyes fully yet, and I would think back, and almost be convinced to remember only the darkness. But then the Light was always there. It was still ON. And I began to look deeper, and realized, it will never fully go out. I got help. Keeping the darkness at bay takes a lot of effort; people who love me, have faith in me, my own faith, my Savior and my Father in Heaven.
So, with that Light, I see things clearer now. I have to believe that He saved me for a greater purpose than my day to day life. That is not to sound prideful. I just believe that He sees in me a brighter light in me than I often have the ability to see in myself. A mission will be hard. Life will be hard. Life is Hard. But, The Light is ON. On my side. And always will be. I do not know the Mission that He has yet to call me to, but what ever it is, I believe that He knows I have the power to do it. I have the Light of Christ within me and the Spirit of my Heavenly Father to guide me a long the way. I want others to feel of that Light and that Love. I want have charity for others again, and care for people other than myself. I have noticed the darkness comes the closest when I am more focused on myself than on others. It creeps in slowly, and I really do have to catch myself. But I believe that if I let my Heavenly Father guide my mission, and later the rest of my life, He can mold me into a beautiful Light will shine "brightly...for the whole world to see."
("I am like a star shining brightly..." children's song book)

This Song, "This little light of mine," has become a favorite of mine. I hear it on the radio every Sunday, and it just feels me with warmth and light. I hadn't thought about it in comparison to how I feel now about Ecuador, but I definitely feel strongly about it now. Life is Beautiful, and our Heavenly Father blesses us as we are obedient to Him. He wants to bless us because He truly loves us!! That love never changes! The Light is always ON, if we will only look up and see it!!


So Much Love and Light,
Future Sister Holly Howell

Just some thoughts...

I have been struggling recently over some mistakes I have made in my life, both past and present. Little 'reminders' keep popping up all over the place, and I get scared and confused. The Adversary has been playing this game for centuries...eternities even...and he is really good at it. But so is God. In fact, God is better. He will always be the Best. Because, in these times when I get confused...when I get scared... I go to Him. I pray for comfort. And I get Angry! (Trust me, there is a point to this ramble) Which makes me more confused and scared. I think, "Ok, Father. I know you're there. What am I supposed to do now? I don't like these feelings. I don't like these reminders, taunting me, making me feel like I've already failed before I've begone. I don't like feeling like I've had a history of failure, because I know that's not true. So where are you now? Can the clouds part or something so that I at least know you are there? Yes? No? Oh come on!!"
I had gone on a walk to my special, sacred place that I always when I need to think and clear my head. It is a slab of concrete over a canal up a long dirt road, and I can be alone and feel the air, and breath deeply without the distractions of the mechanical world. Well, my head wasn't clearing. I was getting more frustrated, waiting for an answer. I was losing patience, till I finally decided to head back home. It was on that long walk back home that I got my answer.
My answer was...That I already knew the answer...I knew He was there. I didn't need some clouds parting or angels and halleluiah chorus's to confirm what I already knew. See? God is REALLY good at this 'Game.' Mostly because, we are not a game to Him. He lets us learn from our mistakes. He lets us take a step back and assess the answers we already know. I was letting myself be distracted and distancing myself from my Heavenly Father, even when I thought that it was the other way around. It helped so much to come back Home that day and re-read the blog posts I have written so far. To see my testimony written down, and have my Heart tell me that this IS what I believe. This IS what I KNOW. I know that before the biggest changing moments and turning points in my life, it seemed the darkest. It seemed the most confusing and I had to take a step forward through that darkness, hoping, believing, and then knowing that there was light ahead.
He teaches us we can Learn from our mistakes. Satan says that we cannot and therefore throws these reminders in our faces and makes us feel that the weaknesses of the past will never let us have a future. But the beautiful thing is...he is WRONG. The enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, allows us to overcome our mistakes, to move on from the past, and create a bright future full of faith, hope, light, and love. The Atonement of Jesus Christ gives us Life.
That being said, it is definitely not going to be an easy one, but we are LIVING and He is always LOVING us, and will ever LEAD us on. It is a constant fight, but as a good Bishop of mine once said, WE ARE WINNING!
I love my Savior and my Heavenly Father so much! In so many ways, I would not be here without them. I am thankful for the many blessings in my life and the people who love me in-spite of my flaws. I know that with my Savior by my side, I can accomplish the mission to which He and our Father has called Me. Although it is hard to see through the darkness sometimes, I know the Light is there, and always will be.

With So much Love,
Future Sister Holly Howell

Pre-Mission Assessment

Yesterday, I went in for my Pre-Mission Assessment at LDS Family Services. What this is is a series of about 300 personality questions. You answer them by circling 1 of 4 choices. Not True, Slightly True, Mostly True, and Extremely True. The test went by fine, but I always have a bit of a hard time answering some of the questions, especially when it gives you two 'middle-ground' options. Also, some of the questions were things like, "My Drinking problems affect those I care about." These of course, didn't apply to me, yet were difficult to answer. If I say Not True, is that also saying, My drinking problems don't affect those I care about, still implying that I drink. So that was a bit complicated. There were also questions that used to apply, but don't anymore, yet ones that still needed to be addressed in an interview. I wanted to write next to the question little commentaries explaining how I felt or what it meant. But all in all, a very straight forward test.
Things are still a little crazy and stressful for me here. School is about to start, and I still don't know if I should really register for classes or not, because my call probably won't get here until after classes start. And after it does get here, I still don't know if I will be leaving before the semester is over or after. But still, I am trusting in God and in His Timing. He knows what is best, and I can see right now He is still teaching me things. I've got a lot to learn, but it is better knowing He loves and cares about me.

All the Love,
Future Sister Holly Howell

Answers

Well, I am resting well now in the fact that I know more now. My Stake President called me today and told me that I will in fact have to go in for another interview with either my counselor, or another one more prepared in Missionary Interviews. It's still hard that it's not coming, but I am so glad that at least now I know! Haha, it's been really hard not knowing. At least now things will get moving and I will be able to get my call. Maybe this is happening to me now and I'm documenting it so that some day down the line, somebody else will be experiencing the same thing and want to know why or what is going on, and then they will read this and understand that this is all just part of the process.
I had the thought the other day, and maybe I've written it down already, but maybe this whole extra long progress of getting my call postponed and the extra interview is just what I need to go through in able to be assigned where He wants me to go. Where He needs me to go. I had to go through the tough experiences of depression to be able to have Him let me know that He really knows and cares about me individually. This is all just another piece to the complex puzzle.
I made mistakes. I fell down and He literally had to pull me back up. He knows, and I know what happened, and He knows and I know my heart--He knows it better! But He also knows how the system works, and that all things must be done in their proper order, line upon line, precept upon precept. I can't skip any steps. Too many people care about me. Too many people love me. They need to be sure that I will be alright out there, and that I will be safe. They need that affirmed just as much as I do. So it all part of the bigger picture. Maybe He needs me to go somewhere pretty hard, and they are the ones that need to know I can handle it.
I'm still hoping and praying that these next steps go smoothly, but I am still putting my trust in Him. He knows me better than I know myself, and it is all in His hands now.

Lots of Love,
Future Sister Holly Howell

Positive Developments

Today at Church was Fast and Testimony Meeting. And guess what I did? I actually bore my testimony!! Yeah, kind of scary, since I really haven't done that in a while, in front of a bunch of people. But I kind of made a deal with Heavenly Father yesterday, so to speak, that I would fast for a reason. I fasted to know what He wanted me to know about my mission. And for my other end of the bargain, I decided I would get up and bear my testimony. I shared some of what I wrote yesterday in my blog post, on how I have been learning to become more dependent on Heavenly Father and how I've been humbled to show patience and have faith in His plan. Because even though it is hard sometimes, I still can 'fall back on my faith' because, that is my sure foundation. Eventually, I will learn, as I am coming to learn, that I don't need to "fall" back on it, because I will know. I don't know if that makes sense, or really how to write it in words, but it makes sense in my head.
This Song has been sounding around inside my head lately, and it's pretty powerful.

1. 1. How firm a foundation, ye Saints of the Lord,
   Is laid for your faith in his excellent word!
   What more can he say than to you he hath said,
   Who unto the Savior, who unto the Savior,
   Who unto the Savior for refuge have fled?
    
2. 2. In ev'ry condition--in sickness, in health,
   In poverty's vale or abounding in wealth,
   At home or abroad, on the land or the sea--
   As thy days may demand, as thy days may demand,
   As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.
    
3. 3. Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
   For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
   I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
   Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,
   Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
    
4. 4. When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
   The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o'erflow,
   For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
   And sanctify to thee, and sanctify to thee,
   And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.
    
5. 5. When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
   My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.
   The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
   Thy dross to consume, thy dross to consume,
   Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.
    
6. 6. E'en down to old age, all my people shall prove
   My sov'reign, eternal, unchangeable love;
   And then, when gray hair shall their temples adorn,
   Like lambs shall they still, like lambs shall they still,
   Like lambs shall they still in my bosom be borne.
    
7. 7. The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
   I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
   That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
   I'll never, no never, I'll never, no never,
   I'll never, no never, no never forsake!
    
   So I guess what I'm saying is, that I won't need to fall back on my faith, because eventually it will become a way of life, as, through my trials, Heavenly Father refines me and I become to know of Him, and not just believe, but have an ACTUAL KNOWLEDGE. 
      
    
   As a side note, I had a good opportunity to talk to a friend of mine today, whom I 'dearly love' (Yes, it's a guy! Haha) I talked to him about what's going on with my Mission papers and things like that, and I felt a bit compelled to tell him everything (almost.) Given the subject matter, however, I was a little worried that he'd see me as this weak, insecure, (and let's be real--psycho passed my mind as well) girl who wasn't ready for a mission or life in general. I know he's not that type of person to judge at all, at least seriously, but it worried me, because we only had a few minutes to talk. Well, later that day, we got another opportunity, and bless his heart, he brought it back up!! Which I was grateful for. I was able to explain it a bit better, and he even gave me some great words of advice. He reiterated what I already believed, which is, "It's all going to work out the way Heavenly Father wants it to. The whole mission-call assignment thing is ordained of God, and He's going to guide it as it should be." 
   So I am very grateful to have good friends that sincerely care about me and also have the ability to give me words of encouragement and advice. .
   
   
   
   
   
   So, now for the positive development: I emailed my Stake President last night after I received the letter from my counselor, to see what really was going on with my papers. Well, once I got home from Church today, I checked my email again, and he had replied. He said, so far the mission office has not contacted him about my call, and they say that they are in progress. He thinks that if nothing else changes, I could be getting my call this week.
   (However, that doesn't mean that my call will come this week, since it needs to say assigned before I actually get it, I think)
   But the point of this is, that my fasting WORKED. I feel at peace. Heavenly Father let me know what He wanted me to know about my Mission, and He even put a good friend in my path to give me added hope. I like this feeling of peace rather than being discouraged ;) So, Now we wait some more. And just let it be! 
   
   
   Much Love,
   Future Sister Holly Howell

It's hard not to get discouraged....

Well, sometimes it's just plain hard. Let me elaborate. Before I turned my papers in, I had my counselor from LDS Family Services write a letter to my Stake President for me explaining the accomplishments we'd made during counseling. Basically stated whether or not he thought I was mentally prepared for the pressures of a mission. I had to go into the Office again to sign a release paper for my Stake President to be able to get it. I did that, and everything looked like it was going according to "my plan" (yes, pattern repeated). But... Turns out, it's still going according to "His Plan." (As it most certainly should be.) It's hard because, this letter didn't get sent to my Stake President...until today...And my papers are already in SLC...So the Mission Office doesn't have the letter...either...which means my call can't be assigned...until later...because I have a little bit of "red in my ledger"... so to speak.
Now I'm not bitter. Sad, yes. Bitter, no. It really is still going according to His Plan, but what gets me discouraged is not understanding His Plan like I wish I could. It still is all about FAITH. But it is hard because...No one in my Family knows...And maybe my master plan (#7 from a few posts down) won't work after all...which would be anticlimactic.
The way I see it, I can't just say, "Oh hey, by the way Family, I'm getting my mission call in a...(first off, I don't know when it's coming...) But it's not really fair to them to keep "lying" to them, especially since it's a really good thing that I'm doing, and an important step in my life.
But here's the thing. Maybe (and most likely. Let's be honest) It didn't matter that I tried to make sure ahead of time that things would go this way (they way they're going) because maybe, Heavenly Father knew, that given the circumstances, the only way that I could go where He needs me to go is by going through this long process of not knowing, and maybe the process of having to go through some more interviews and tests and things like that. That way, I could go where He wants me to go, and Help the people that He needs me to help, At the exact time that He needs me to Help them.
So, It's hard. But, I keep feeling like it's for the best, no matter the outcome. He loves me, and I know that. He wants me to do this, and I have that affirmed every time I read my scriptures at night.

This is definitely something I need to repeat. Over.and Over. and Over again.
Keep Trying. Be Believing. Be HAPPY. Don't Get Discouraged. EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT!!!
President Hinckley is a GREAT Man.

Lots of Love,
Future Sister Holly Howell