She's Quotable

So remember when I said that I joined a Facebook page for Sister Missionaries? Well, it's called, "Many are called...but few are Sisters!!" I get updates from sisters around the globe who are getting mission calls and returning and fulfilling the Errand of Angels. I found this really good thought from one of those sisters that I couldn't resist sharing because it was such a good thought--one that I really needed at the moment! Here it is:

Hey, Sisters. I have something to say.
The phrase "Forget yourself and go to work" is a phrase that you will hear over and OVER and OVER on your mission.
Let's clarify this phrase a bit, 'kay?
This means to FORGET and FORSAKE your selfish wants. However, it DOES NOT mean that you should FORSAKE yourself -- your spiritual, emotional, and physical NEEDS. Yes, it is sometimes required of you to keep on knocking doors for another hour until dinner or lunch or whatever even if you are tired, etc.
But listen to your body. Listen to the Spirit. Trust in God. Take care of yourself so you can take care of God's children in your calling. God wants you to work hard, but NOT SO HARD that it taxes your emotional or physical health.
"The spirit and the body are the soul of man." Doc & Cov 88:15.

In this great work we are called to do -- to save souls which are so precious to our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ -- Please, please, PLEASE remember that you are a soul, too.

Amazing, right? It is human nature to think of yourself, but it is godly to think of others before yourself. When we put aside our selfish wants and desires, we become closer to Heavenly Father. But we needn't neglect ourselves in the process. I have heard it said that we can't fully love others until we truly love ourselves. They go hand in hand, but knowing who you are--that kind of love--trumps the others by a landslide.
That being said,
Off to Work I go,
Future Sister Holly Howell

Experienced War Veterans...in training.

I re-read the words from a dear friend today. She is encouraging as always and out serving her own mission right now. Her words reminded me of a talk given at a fireside I went to the other day.  She said:
"You have so many spiritual gifts! Not just that, but you use them! That's why Satan is fighting you so hard, because he knows the Valiant, Courageous Warrior of Light you are! He knows how many lives you will touch, and do, as you keep sharing your testimony! Keep fighting!"

This is how it is for everyone of us. In the talk I mentioned, Elder Lawrence (I think...), of the Seventy, said that we are all experienced war veterans. Satan knows our potential as a Child of Light and would to have us believe that we are weak and worthless. Other times, he tweaks our pride, to make us believe that we are powerful and better than everyone else. But as we remain faithful to Christ and His teachings, we are able to overcome and win the battle against the adversary. We don't always win, but with each failure there is always something to be gained; the next strategy to better ward off the attacks the next time. We are time-tested warriors whose God is great.
Also borrowing the suggestion from my good friend, we can read in Alma 43 and see the Similarities of Captain Moroni and our own Savior, Jesus Christ. The armies of the Nephites can be seen as you and me, and the armies of the Lamanites are the Adversary and his threatening temptations.

19...[Christ] had prepared his people with breastplates and with arm-shields, yea, and also shields to defend their heads, and also they were dressed with thick clothing—[ with Testimony, faith, and the whole armor of God]

 26 And he caused that all the people in that quarter of the land should gather themselves together to battle against the [Adversary], to defend their lands and their country, their rights and their liberties;[their testimonies and their faith] therefore they were prepared against the time of the coming of the [Adversary]

 29 And now, as [Christ] knew the intention of the [Adversary], that it was their intention to destroy their brethren, or to subject them and bring them into bondage[of sin] that they might establish a kingdom unto themselves over all the land [and make them miserable like unto himself]
 30 And [Christ] also knowing that it was the only desire of [His People] to preserve their lands, and their liberty, and their church, therefore he thought it no sin that he should defend them by stratagem; therefore, he found by his spies which course the [Adversary] were to take.

 43 Now in this case the [Adversary and his temptations] did fight exceedingly; yea, never had the [Adversary] been known to fight with such exceedingly great strength and courage, no, not even from the beginning.[Because the people of Christ were becoming stronger, and Satan knew he was losing]

 44 And they were inspired by the [Adversary] who were their chief captains and leaders, and by [Satan] who was their chief captain, or their chief leader and commander; yea, they did fight like dragons, and many of the [the people of Christ] were slain by their hands, yea, for they did smite in two many of their head-plates, and they did pierce many of their breastplates, and they did smite off many of their arms; and thus the [Adversary] did smite in their fierce anger.

 45 Nevertheless, the [Warriors of Christ] were inspired by a better cause, for they were not fighting for monarchy nor power but they were fighting for their homes and their liberties, their wives and their children, and their all, yea, for their rites of worship and their church.

  48 And it came to pass that when the [Warriors of Christ] saw the fierceness and the anger of the [The Adversary and his temptations] they were about to shrink and flee from them. And [Christ] perceiving their intent, sent forth and inspired their hearts with these thoughts [Through his Holy Spirit]—yea, the thoughts of their lands, their liberty, yea, their freedom from bondage.

 50 And they began to stand against the [temptations of the Devil] with power; and in that selfsame hour that they cried unto the Lord for their freedom, the [Adversary] began to flee before them... [Pray always that ye may conquer Satan]


As we stand by Christ, we will be Victorious. Always. Without a Doubt, Christ will win. And we as His followers, as His Warriors, we ever be encircled about in the arms of His love as we put our faith and our Trust in Him. We are WINNING. We are Christ's.

Fighting for the light,
Future Sister Holly Howell

"They were your biggest Fans!!"

I had a great meeting with my Counselor from LDS Family Services last night. I filled him about the goings on of the last 5 months since we last talked. It was encouraging to know that he was very impressed and proud of me and my accomplishments over this time. He also was able to fill me in a little bit more on the whole process that the Mission Department was involved in while working on my papers. Let me elaborate.
Since the Announcement was made in Conference for the Missionary Age to be lowered, a great amount of Missionaries, both Elders and Sisters, have been returning early. So, in order to prevent this, certain guidelines have been set up-- a 6 month criteria that needs to be met, especially by those who have had any experience with depression or other forms of mental illness. That being said...
"They wanted to send you out as soon as you put your papers in. They even called me and said 'How do we get Holly out on a Mission?' And I said, 'Well, Send Her!' I think they were your biggest fans through this whole thing."
This news really made me feel so happy, and even more sure that it is all in God's Timing. I guess in my mind at times, as I've said already, I saw these people as maybe a bunch of hardened psychologists who held the fate of a little girl's future in their hands. Of course, that's a bit dramatic, and I knew it wasn't true, but at times it literally felt that way.
To have the added knowledge that it really is all up to Heavenly Father leaves me with so much peace. I am getting so excited to serve again! Things are moving again, and I am getting ready to share the love of this Gospel with others. Doctrine and Covenants is packed with "Preach my Gospel" scriptures and I am getting stoked once again!

Sharing the love,
Future Sister Holly Howell 

To Sit on the Bench

This is beyond beautiful. We all need to be those bench sitters, the ones who can offer that out-stretched arm of love and compassion to those who are struggling and in need. Love is so powerful. Depression and Suicide are a real force that so many of us have been given the trial of dealing with. But that Love, that pure Christ-like love and taking the time to sit on the bench, to just be there for someone, to listen, to feel, to sometimes not say anything and just be there---That love is a light more powerful than any of the darkest episodes of depression. Please, don't forget that.
 We don't know what everyone else is going through. Sometimes I don't think we even know what we're going through ourselves. I am so eternally grateful for a friend who listened to the promptings of the Spirit and took the time to sit by me on my 'bench.' Just a few words, a kind gesture, and a smile on her face... It made all the difference.
When my Mom came down to Ecuador, we had a chance to really sit on a bench together, in the biggest park in South America, and just talk. All these bent up emotions inside of me I could finally release. I cried. She cried. But the darkness lifted overtime, and it was all because of that bench. It's amazing how much my Heavenly Father is aware of me and my needs. How much He loves me. How much He is aware of my every need, even for a small park bench. But for a mother who I could trust. A mother who I loved and she loved me. The world was so big, yet at one dark moment, I had seemed so small. You could say that it took a sit on the bench for me to realize how wrong I had been. And how right my Father's Plan of Happiness truly was.
So, lend an arm. Take a sit on that old bench. You may not understand what they are going through, but the impact your small act of compassion can make is beyond comprehension. Don't judge. Don't nag. Don't push. When they are ready to talk, just be there. You'll never know the impact you'll make. All they want is someone who'll care. Someone to say, "I want you here."

I feel so free. There is a peace that comes through knowing that, above all else, my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ are always there for me, ever the faithful bench sitters.

With so much love,
Future Sister Holly Howell

The School of Life

I have this psychology class that I am taking that talks about making successful choices in life. I was reading it the other day and came across this thought that I really connected with:

"When we make a course correction, we hope the change improves the quality of our lives. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn’t. But change always presents an opportunity for learning. That’s the way the University of Life works, and you’re enrolled whether you know it or not. Courses in the University of Life are a little different from those in a regular college. These courses are often offered by the Department of Adversities and they include subjects such as Problems 101, Obstacles 203, Mistakes 305, Fail-ures 410, and, for some, a graduate course called Catastrophes 599. Tests are given often, and there are no answers in the back of the book. In fact, there are no textbooks in these courses, only your experiences from which to learn and, hopefully, grow wiser."

In the School of Life, it helps to have a Tender Teacher. Thankfully, that Teacher is our Elder brother, Jesus Christ. He loves us and wants us to Succeed. Despite our frailties and our mistakes, He gives us these tests and these trials because He knows we are capable, with His help, to pass them--more importantly, with flying colors! He has so much love for us! I have felt that so many times in my life. I've experienced enough trials in my life not to recognize this as one. You could say I am a "Hard-things Junkie." As much as the trials hurt and give me so much pain in the moment, when I can overcome them, the growth that I gain is worth so much. It's desirable. I want more. I want to become better. I know that it is through our trials that we can become better, that we can continue to pass these tests, and that we can learn through each wrong answer the way in which we can receive the right answers next time. That's the beautiful thing about the Atonement. An, "At-One"ment with our Savior Jesus Christ.

Anyways, I was excited to see this concept in my textbook. I am recognizing that I was inspired to take some of the classes I did this semester because they are helping me so much to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for a mission and for life. I can see God's hand in the little details of my life, and I will tell you, It is amazing!

Lots of love,
Future Sister Holly Howell

Continue in Patience

What if your blessings come through rain drops...?

I guess I've been thinking about Trials recently, and every time I hear this song, I hear my own testimony in the lyrics.
People ask me, how I'm doing now with depression. I ask myself that as well. But if I think back to every trial and shortcoming and discouragement and moments of darkness I've experienced in my life, and I realize that the answer is: I am doing. I endure. I see these trials in my life they way they are supposed to be seen--as blessings, as opportunities to grow and to learn and to progress. Not as punishments. Not as some karmic stack of bad actions made in another life. Heavenly Father loves me. He knows what I can and can't handle. All He asks is that I have faith in Him. Have the faith to endure through what ever trial He sends lovingly my way. He knows my Strength, and He also knows what makes me Stronger. My weaknesses are only manifestations of my potential strength and power. I am able to recognize them, work on them, and grow from them.
How am I handling this last set back? Honestly, not as well as I should. But, the key is that I know. That I recognize this, again, as a trial. That I recognize the weakness, and I chose to grow and overcome and strengthen this weakness. For whatever reason, there is always something to learn from each moment, a piece of me to uncover, over and over again if needs be, until in shines sparkling clean in the well worn hands of the Maker.

"Blessings"

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Love,
Future Sister Holly Howell

It's been a while....

Since I last posted. Since I began the process to start my papers. Since I submitted them. Since the little postponements lead to bigger and bigger postponements. The newest development I found was the day before General Conference. My Stake President let me know that the mission office has requested that I resubmit my papers...6 months following my last major incident with depression and anxiety. Their records show this was sometime in May, meaning that I will be able to resubmit them again come November. After waiting this long, 1 month and a few weeks isn't so hard.
But... I still feel lost. Like my life is in Limbo right now...I'm waiting around for something to happen. And I know I should go out and make something happen, but with this, there is only so much I can do.
 I realize that I am missing the purpose; a purpose. The whole point of the process is for preparation, not for waiting. NOT for sitting around, as if waiting for this call would bestow on me some medal of courage or added strength, not having taken the time to prepare and gain these qualities before hand. I suppose I looked at the call as a sort of confirmation that this is what I should be doing. I should have seen this as Life preparation, not just Mission Prep. I think this was my original intention, but I lost sight of that. I got caught up with the status of it, and then became distracted by self-concept-ed thoughts of others when I never received my call, day after day, week after week, month after month. I thought people looked at me differently and made judgements based off what I wasn't was--A missionary. But in reality, the person making those judgements, was ME. I started measuring myself by what I wasn't, rather than measuring up to what I could be. I didn't have my call. I was wounded. I wasn't worthy. I had a crazy mind. I had depression. I wasn't healthy. I wasn't going to be good enough. I wasn't ready for the mission. I wasn't ready for life. I wasn't ready to form close relationships. I wasn't loved...
But...
I am LOVED. I can learn to form close relationships, because of that love. I can continually prepare for a mission just as I can prepare for life. I can do my best. My best is good enough. I am working towards getting Healthy. I have come so far with my depression in overcoming it. In enduring it. I have an intelligent mind. I am worthy. I am of worth to my Father in Heaven. I've been wounded, but I am healing. My life may be in limbo, in the hands of another person, but that person is God. Christ has literally engraven my life, ME, upon the palms of His hands. I don't have my call... YET. It is all in His timing. He knows exactly what I am going through and there is a purpose to all of this. And, It is GLORIOUS.

This song does so much good to my heart. You can feel light and love emanating out of it. This is the kind of feeling I want to have with me, always. In the mission, and in life.
[Verse:]
There are times when you might feel aimless
You can't see the places where you belong
But you will find that there is a purpose
It's been there within you all along and when you're near it
You can almost hear it.

[Chorus:]
It's like a symphony just keep listenin'
And pretty soon you'll start to figure out yo part
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it's glorious

[Verse 2:]
You will know how to let it ring out as you discover who you are
Others around you will start to wake up
To the sounds that are in their hearts
It's so amazin', what we're all creatin'

[Chorus:]
It's like a symphony just keep listenin'
And pretty soon you'll start to figure out yo part
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it's glorious

[Bridge:]
And as you feel the notes build
You will see

[Chorus:]
It's like a symphony just keep listenin'
And pretty soon you'll start to figure out yo part
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it's glorious


His Love is Glorious,
Future Sister Holly Howell