In my heart, I feel the interview went great. I was open and honest. I felt the Spirit testifying that the things I was saying was true.
But I had a hard time reading the person who was interviewing me. He had his eyes closed most of the time (No, he wasn't asleep) and he kept playing with his pen and then writing things down once he got a good idea of what I was saying. After I left the interview, I worried a bit about how much power that man had into "making or breaking" my mission call. I couldn't help but wonder, what if? What if he wasn't really paying attention? What if he really wasn't feeling the same things I was feeling? What if his review of my didn't fill the cut that the Mission Department would like? I was scared of the judgements of this man, rather than having Faith in the Love of my Father in Heaven.
This is something that as human beings, I feel we all have a problem
with. I worry about what others think of my too often, and worry their
judgements define me. But that just isn't true. It can't be. Not with
what I know about my Heavenly Father. He is too good. He loves me too
much to let the words of others or the judgements they pass become part
of my genetic make-up. He made me with Love. He made me with Worth and
Heart and Soul and Faith and Light. And He is still there letting me
know that this is true. He will not leave my comfortless. I still get
distracted. I still get confused. I still get lead into thinking one
thing may be right when in reality I know it's not. He knows I make
mistakes, but He loves me infinitely. Whole. Complete. Unchanging.
That's real Love. And He knows my heart. Whatever happens, it will be for the best, and it will be part of His Plan for me.
I found a lot of ironic humor in this photo. I should have known though. There are always mountains to climb. God is Good!
Maybe I will never publish this, but maybe I will. I just feel that it needs to be said, and that it needs to be written down as testimony, something of a foundation to fall back on, as mentioned before. I am scared. Tomorrow is the interview, the hopefully final step in this long process of waiting for a mission call. My mission call. Call me dramatic, but I feel like so much hangs in the balance here. I just am hoping and praying that I am in the right frame of mind during this interview, that my mind will remember the real reason I want and need to go on a mission. So, in essence to prepare myself for this interview, I'll write my feelings down; the reasons down.
As I have though back to my dark moments in Ecuador, and tried to process them, to understand them in a better light, the one analogy that I fall back to is always that: Light. I compare it to a dark, pitch black room. One that your eyes have come adjusted to. You're not necessarily scared of the dark, but you're not comfortable in it either. It has slowly gotten darker, almost imperceptibly, until it reaches the point where you're incomplete darkness. Maybe someone is turning down the dimmer switch in a theater. You can't really go anywhere in this darkness without bumping into things, because you can't see clearly. Things don't make sense like they used to. Things lose form and blend together, and after a while, it feels like you do too.
Suddenly, someone flips on all the lights, all at once. You squint, and close you're eyes tight, attempting to deny the light, momentarily. It's too bright. It hurts your eyes that had grown accustom to the darkness. You can sense the light on the other side of your eyelids, but still keep them closed, because you're sensitive to it. Slowly, little by little, you open your eyes. Things begin to make sense again. Things start taking shape and you can understand things better.
This was me. I had let these dark, lonely thoughts creep into my mind, dimming my spirit and making me believe that I wasn't worth anything; that I wasn't doing any good. That it was better to lose form. To disappear and fade away, become part of the darkness.
But then He flipped on all the lights, all at once. He sent her. My Mom. The only person I could talk to easily. That I could confide in and trust. But it was hard to believe at first. I tried to deny it. It was too big to be a coincidence. But I couldn't believe that He would do that for me. I couldn't make sense of why He would do this for me. I couldn't make sense of who He was to me, or more importantly, Who I was to Him. I was one girl in the mountains of Ecuador. It was a crowded city. It was a crowded world. Why me? Why. Save. Me? Who was I? As I opened my eyes, as He gave me something so undeniable to see--a light so bright that I could not deny it--I began to see things more clearly. The darkness tried to get back in, many times, but the Light is always too bright. Even coming home from Ecuador, the few weeks after I got home, I hadn't opened my eyes fully yet, and I would think back, and almost be convinced to remember only the darkness. But then the Light was always there. It was still ON. And I began to look deeper, and realized, it will never fully go out. I got help. Keeping the darkness at bay takes a lot of effort; people who love me, have faith in me, my own faith, my Savior and my Father in Heaven.
So, with that Light, I see things clearer now. I have to believe that He saved me for a greater purpose than my day to day life. That is not to sound prideful. I just believe that He sees in me a brighter light in me than I often have the ability to see in myself. A mission will be hard. Life will be hard. Life is Hard. But, The Light is ON. On my side. And always will be. I do not know the Mission that He has yet to call me to, but what ever it is, I believe that He knows I have the power to do it. I have the Light of Christ within me and the Spirit of my Heavenly Father to guide me a long the way. I want others to feel of that Light and that Love. I want have charity for others again, and care for people other than myself. I have noticed the darkness comes the closest when I am more focused on myself than on others. It creeps in slowly, and I really do have to catch myself. But I believe that if I let my Heavenly Father guide my mission, and later the rest of my life, He can mold me into a beautiful Light will shine "brightly...for the whole world to see."
("I am like a star shining brightly..." children's song book)
This Song, "This little light of mine," has become a favorite of mine. I hear it on the radio every Sunday, and it just feels me with warmth and light. I hadn't thought about it in comparison to how I feel now about Ecuador, but I definitely feel strongly about it now. Life is Beautiful, and our Heavenly Father blesses us as we are obedient to Him. He wants to bless us because He truly loves us!! That love never changes! The Light is always ON, if we will only look up and see it!!
So Much Love and Light,
Future Sister Holly Howell
I have been struggling recently over some mistakes I have made in my life, both past and present. Little 'reminders' keep popping up all over the place, and I get scared and confused. The Adversary has been playing this game for centuries...eternities even...and he is really good at it. But so is God. In fact, God is better. He will always be the Best. Because, in these times when I get confused...when I get scared... I go to Him. I pray for comfort. And I get Angry! (Trust me, there is a point to this ramble) Which makes me more confused and scared. I think, "Ok, Father. I know you're there. What am I supposed to do now? I don't like these feelings. I don't like these reminders, taunting me, making me feel like I've already failed before I've begone. I don't like feeling like I've had a history of failure, because I know that's not true. So where are you now? Can the clouds part or something so that I at least know you are there? Yes? No? Oh come on!!"
I had gone on a walk to my special, sacred place that I always when I need to think and clear my head. It is a slab of concrete over a canal up a long dirt road, and I can be alone and feel the air, and breath deeply without the distractions of the mechanical world. Well, my head wasn't clearing. I was getting more frustrated, waiting for an answer. I was losing patience, till I finally decided to head back home. It was on that long walk back home that I got my answer.
My answer was...That I already knew the answer...I knew He was there. I didn't need some clouds parting or angels and halleluiah chorus's to confirm what I already knew. See? God is REALLY good at this 'Game.' Mostly because, we are not a game to Him. He lets us learn from our mistakes. He lets us take a step back and assess the answers we already know. I was letting myself be distracted and distancing myself from my Heavenly Father, even when I thought that it was the other way around. It helped so much to come back Home that day and re-read the blog posts I have written so far. To see my testimony written down, and have my Heart tell me that this IS what I believe. This IS what I KNOW. I know that before the biggest changing moments and turning points in my life, it seemed the darkest. It seemed the most confusing and I had to take a step forward through that darkness, hoping, believing, and then knowing that there was light ahead.
He teaches us we can Learn from our mistakes. Satan says that we cannot and therefore throws these reminders in our faces and makes us feel that the weaknesses of the past will never let us have a future. But the beautiful thing is...he is WRONG. The enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, allows us to overcome our mistakes, to move on from the past, and create a bright future full of faith, hope, light, and love. The Atonement of Jesus Christ gives us Life.
That being said, it is definitely not going to be an easy one, but we are LIVING and He is always LOVING us, and will ever LEAD us on. It is a constant fight, but as a good Bishop of mine once said, WE ARE WINNING!
I love my Savior and my Heavenly Father so much! In so many ways, I would not be here without them. I am thankful for the many blessings in my life and the people who love me in-spite of my flaws. I know that with my Savior by my side, I can accomplish the mission to which He and our Father has called Me. Although it is hard to see through the darkness sometimes, I know the Light is there, and always will be.
Yesterday, I went in for my Pre-Mission Assessment at LDS Family Services. What this is is a series of about 300 personality questions. You answer them by circling 1 of 4 choices. Not True, Slightly True, Mostly True, and Extremely True. The test went by fine, but I always have a bit of a hard time answering some of the questions, especially when it gives you two 'middle-ground' options. Also, some of the questions were things like, "My Drinking problems affect those I care about." These of course, didn't apply to me, yet were difficult to answer. If I say Not True, is that also saying, My drinking problems don't affect those I care about, still implying that I drink. So that was a bit complicated. There were also questions that used to apply, but don't anymore, yet ones that still needed to be addressed in an interview. I wanted to write next to the question little commentaries explaining how I felt or what it meant. But all in all, a very straight forward test.
Things are still a little crazy and stressful for me here. School is about to start, and I still don't know if I should really register for classes or not, because my call probably won't get here until after classes start. And after it does get here, I still don't know if I will be leaving before the semester is over or after. But still, I am trusting in God and in His Timing. He knows what is best, and I can see right now He is still teaching me things. I've got a lot to learn, but it is better knowing He loves and cares about me.
Well, I am resting well now in the fact that I know more now. My Stake President called me today and told me that I will in fact have to go in for another interview with either my counselor, or another one more prepared in Missionary Interviews. It's still hard that it's not coming, but I am so glad that at least now I know! Haha, it's been really hard not knowing. At least now things will get moving and I will be able to get my call. Maybe this is happening to me now and I'm documenting it so that some day down the line, somebody else will be experiencing the same thing and want to know why or what is going on, and then they will read this and understand that this is all just part of the process.
I had the thought the other day, and maybe I've written it down already, but maybe this whole extra long progress of getting my call postponed and the extra interview is just what I need to go through in able to be assigned where He wants me to go. Where He needs me to go. I had to go through the tough experiences of depression to be able to have Him let me know that He really knows and cares about me individually. This is all just another piece to the complex puzzle.
I made mistakes. I fell down and He literally had to pull me back up. He knows, and I know what happened, and He knows and I know my heart--He knows it better! But He also knows how the system works, and that all things must be done in their proper order, line upon line, precept upon precept. I can't skip any steps. Too many people care about me. Too many people love me. They need to be sure that I will be alright out there, and that I will be safe. They need that affirmed just as much as I do. So it all part of the bigger picture. Maybe He needs me to go somewhere pretty hard, and they are the ones that need to know I can handle it.
I'm still hoping and praying that these next steps go smoothly, but I am still putting my trust in Him. He knows me better than I know myself, and it is all in His hands now.
Today at Church was Fast and Testimony Meeting. And guess what I did? I actually bore my testimony!! Yeah, kind of scary, since I really haven't done that in a while, in front of a bunch of people. But I kind of made a deal with Heavenly Father yesterday, so to speak, that I would fast for a reason. I fasted to know what He wanted me to know about my mission. And for my other end of the bargain, I decided I would get up and bear my testimony. I shared some of what I wrote yesterday in my blog post, on how I have been learning to become more dependent on Heavenly Father and how I've been humbled to show patience and have faith in His plan. Because even though it is hard sometimes, I still can 'fall back on my faith' because, that is my sure foundation. Eventually, I will learn, as I am coming to learn, that I don't need to "fall" back on it, because I will know. I don't know if that makes sense, or really how to write it in words, but it makes sense in my head.
This Song has been sounding around inside my head lately, and it's pretty powerful.
1. How firm a foundation, ye Saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in his excellent word!
What more can he say than to you he hath said,
Who unto the Savior, who unto the Savior,
Who unto the Savior for refuge have fled?
2. In ev'ry condition--in sickness, in health,
In poverty's vale or abounding in wealth,
At home or abroad, on the land or the sea--
As thy days may demand, as thy days may demand,
As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.
3. Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
4. When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not thee
o'erflow,
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee, and sanctify to thee,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.
5. When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume, thy dross to consume,
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.
6. E'en down to old age, all my people shall prove
My sov'reign, eternal, unchangeable love;
And then, when gray hair shall their temples adorn,
Like lambs shall they still, like lambs shall they still,
Like lambs shall they still in my bosom be borne.
7. The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no
never, I'll never, no never,
I'll never, no never, no never forsake!
So I guess what I'm saying is, that I won't need to fall back on my faith, because eventually it will become a way of life, as, through my trials, Heavenly Father refines me and I become to know of Him, and not just believe, but have an ACTUAL KNOWLEDGE.
As a side note, I had a good opportunity to talk to a friend of mine today, whom I 'dearly love' (Yes, it's a guy! Haha) I talked to him about what's going on with my Mission papers and things like that, and I felt a bit compelled to tell him everything (almost.) Given the subject matter, however, I was a little worried that he'd see me as this weak, insecure, (and let's be real--psycho passed my mind as well) girl who wasn't ready for a mission or life in general. I know he's not that type of person to judge at all, at least seriously, but it worried me, because we only had a few minutes to talk. Well, later that day, we got another opportunity, and bless his heart, he brought it back up!! Which I was grateful for. I was able to explain it a bit better, and he even gave me some great words of advice. He reiterated what I already believed, which is, "It's all going to work out the way Heavenly Father wants it to. The whole mission-call assignment thing is ordained of God, and He's going to guide it as it should be."
So I am very grateful to have good friends that sincerely care about me and also have the ability to give me words of encouragement and advice. .
So, now for the positive development: I emailed my Stake President last night after I received the letter from my counselor, to see what really was going on with my papers. Well, once I got home from Church today, I checked my email again, and he had replied. He said, so far the mission office has not contacted him about my call, and they say that they are in progress. He thinks that if nothing else changes, I could be getting my call this week.
(However, that doesn't mean that my call will come this week, since it needs to say assigned before I actually get it, I think)
But the point of this is, that my fasting WORKED. I feel at peace. Heavenly Father let me know what He wanted me to know about my Mission, and He even put a good friend in my path to give me added hope. I like this feeling of peace rather than being discouraged ;) So, Now we wait some more. And just let it be!
Well, sometimes it's just plain hard. Let me elaborate. Before I turned my papers in, I had my counselor from LDS Family Services write a letter to my Stake President for me explaining the accomplishments we'd made during counseling. Basically stated whether or not he thought I was mentally prepared for the pressures of a mission. I had to go into the Office again to sign a release paper for my Stake President to be able to get it. I did that, and everything looked like it was going according to "my plan" (yes, pattern repeated). But... Turns out, it's still going according to "His Plan." (As it most certainly should be.) It's hard because, this letter didn't get sent to my Stake President...until today...And my papers are already in SLC...So the Mission Office doesn't have the letter...either...which means my call can't be assigned...until later...because I have a little bit of "red in my ledger"... so to speak.
Now I'm not bitter. Sad, yes. Bitter, no. It really is still going according to His Plan, but what gets me discouraged is not understanding His Plan like I wish I could. It still is all about FAITH. But it is hard because...No one in my Family knows...And maybe my master plan (#7 from a few posts down) won't work after all...which would be anticlimactic.
The way I see it, I can't just say, "Oh hey, by the way Family, I'm getting my mission call in a...(first off, I don't know when it's coming...) But it's not really fair to them to keep "lying" to them, especially since it's a really good thing that I'm doing, and an important step in my life.
But here's the thing. Maybe (and most likely. Let's be honest) It didn't matter that I tried to make sure ahead of time that things would go this way (they way they're going) because maybe, Heavenly Father knew, that given the circumstances, the only way that I could go where He needs me to go is by going through this long process of not knowing, and maybe the process of having to go through some more interviews and tests and things like that. That way, I could go where He wants me to go, and Help the people that He needs me to help, At the exact time that He needs me to Help them.
So, It's hard. But, I keep feeling like it's for the best, no matter the outcome. He loves me, and I know that. He wants me to do this, and I have that affirmed every time I read my scriptures at night.
This is definitely something I need to repeat. Over.and Over. and Over again.
Keep Trying. Be Believing. Be HAPPY. Don't Get Discouraged. EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT!!!
President Hinckley is a GREAT Man.
