Since they've found out about my call, that I'm going on a mission, people have started asking me, "When did you decide to serve a mission?"
For me, it wasn't a question of when. There wasn't one magical, "A-hah" moment where I knew, one calendar date where I could mark off, "This was the day I chose to go on a mission." Instead, it was a question of why. Why did I decide to go on a mission? I guess you could say, it's a long story.
Like most people my age, when President Monson announced the age drop, the potential for me being able to serve a mission sparked some desire in my heart. I came from a good group of friends and we had all lived our lives as good member missionaries, so for most people who knew us, missions would be obvious if we ever had the inclination. My friends were stellar girls who I could (still can!) always look up to for anything.
For me though, I often felt like I was the "Black Sheep" of the friend group. (They will fervently and truthfully deny that! They love me too much!) Really, I wasn't, but I guess you could say I was more inclined to the worldly way of things like fashion and makeup--you know, your usual twitter-patted school-girl. Back in the day they joked that I'd probably be married right out of high-school (psh--what a laugh!) Moving on...
So they started their papers. We had to finish High School first. I wouldn't turn 19 for a few years, but their birthdays were the following summer and fall. We graduated and 2 of them left consecutively. The two babies of the group, myself included, decided to get a semester or two under our belt in our down time.
I got one semester down, and decided that I wanted to do something else with my life. My blessing talked about a life of service, but all I really seemed to be doing at the present moment was focusing on myself. Plus, I wanted to make sure a mission would really be right for me. I'd never really been out of the state before, let alone the country! But my sister had the opportunity after she graduated to go down to Quito, Ecuador and serve in an orphanage. (http://www.orphanagesupport.org/) I talked it over with my mom, and we both decided that this would also be good for me to go and experience.
And so, three days after Christmas 2013, I packed my bags and headed 3,000 miles away from home to live in a Country who's language I didn't speak to change dirty diapers, bathe squirming children, and have my heart grow and break in ways I didn't even know possible. At current, it was the best experience of my life!!
I learned to love the people of Ecuador and the Hispanic communities so much. My heart would burst just seeing little families waiting in line to board a crowded bus, or walking along the dusty streets. The language was beautiful. I loved it so much.
Unfortunately, while I was down there, I was forced to come face-to-face with one of the harder realities of my life. Despite feeling so much love for these people and the little kids that had become the world to me, I had depression. It wasn't something that I had ever admitted to before fully. I was too proud to admit to anyone that there was something "wrong" with me, or that I needed help. And I let that depression get to me. I dwelt on it too much when it was there, and even thought about it long after it had gone away. It got to the point that I felt like I wasn't loving my babies the way that they need me to. And I was scared.
And so I prayed. With all that I had left, I prayed. And I asked Heavenly Father just for someone to talk to. Someone who could understand me and not judge me because of what I was feeling. Someone who would just listen. But honestly, I didn't know if He'd follow through.
At the House, we were expecting a lady to come that next morning who would stay with us for two weeks. With what hope I had, I hoped she'd be the answer to my prayer.
And She was. She was my Mom! We talked and cried and in the end, we decided that I should come back home with her, and get the help that I finally admitted that I needed. It was so hard, but I knew that Heavenly Father had arranged everything, down to the last tiny detail, and that this was the right thing to do. I broke my heart, but I have learned that God loves broken things, and that that is the best way that He can fix and recreate us into the people He wants us to become.
So I came home. The depression didn't go away. But I was given a great counselor who in turn gave me great tools to deal with what I was feeling. To see things for what they really were and to think logically through all of my thoughts.
There came a time that I decided that I was well enough to make another big decision in my life. I missed the feeling of serving in Ecuador, that literal love that I felt for the people who merely passed me on the streets. I wanted to live a life that God could more easily direct. So I started my mission papers. And I did it in SECRET! My family didn't know. Part of me wanted to prove to them that I was ready for this. That I could do these things by myself, and that I was strong enough. They knew about my experience with depression and were worried about me. But "I was strong enough."
Little did I know that Heavenly Father had more humbling experiences, some with depression, some without, in store for me. I told my Mom, Dad, and brother during a few of those moments, and I learned that it wasn't "weak" to have the support of people who loved you. It was Satan that wanted me to feel like I was alone in all of this. Great lessons for another time ;)
After the submission of my papers, my Call didn't come in the usual 2 weeks. It didn't come after 3, or 4, or even 5 weeks. From July-October, all my papers said were "In Progress." Finally, I was told that I needed to resubmit them the coming November. By that point, what was one more month? After the second submission, they still did not come after the usual 2 weeks. By Thanksgiving, I was asking, "What are you doing this for, God? Haven't I learned enough about patience these last few months?" But despite these doubts, I stayed faithful. I knew, and I couldn't deny, that He played a huge part in the tiny details of my life, and for whatever purpose, He had a Plan for me. Specific for Me. And that was the amazing revelation that kept me "enduring to the end." I knew that He loved me.
Finally, December 4, 2014, I picked the large white envelope up from the post office (I have sneaky, snoopy siblings that would be blown away if they had been the one to come across that in the mail box. We wouldn't want that now, would we? ;) )With the actual envelope in hand came the fear of, "What the heck am I doing this for?!" You all know how Satan works. By the end of the night, my fears were subsided with faith. This was His Plan for me. I would go where He wanted me to go, and I would go willingly.
December 7, 2014, I finally opened the call I had waited 6 months to receive. When I first read "California," there was a tiny flicker of disappointment, but I was reminded of the inspiration I had received, and I knew that it was right. Even more so, I feel that love coming back to me for the Hispanic people who I will get to teach in San Diego, and the memories that the Spanish language brings back to me are wonderful. I am SO EXCITED to serve! There is no better time to be a missionary! Heavenly Father is doing a great work among the children of men, and He has called me to be part of it! This is His will, and I Will go and do as Nephi did. I know a mission will be hard, but it will also be beautiful as I put my faith in Him and do His will.
Why I chose to serve a mission, is because, after all I went through, I knew that I was never alone. I knew that the Savior was with me and I was being guided by my Heavenly Father in the direction that I needed to go. The Enabling Power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ is Real! It is such a beautiful and powerful thing. That is the message that I want to share with the people of the San Diego. That through Jesus Christ, they can become all that their Heavenly Father wants them to become. It is through His love that we can all return to live with Him some day! I know this Church is true! It is so real and so dear to me! We have a prophet on the Earth today that is truly God's mouth piece! I am so thankful for the many blessings I have in my life! I am so grateful to be a MISSIONARY!
En el nombre de Jesucristo,
Amen
Con muchas Amor,
Hermanita Holly Howell
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