It has COME!!! And yet....

No, I haven't opened it yet. You know my master plan.
In fact, I haven't looked at it again since I picked it up at the post office and brought it home. It's stashed away in closet in my room...
I think it started yesterday. I didn't want it to come. What? After all these months, and I didn't want it to come? And, it didn't. They told me it was assigned on Tuesday, and guessed it would come on Wednesday, like it usually does. But I didn't want it to. And, it didn't.
Then, the potential came for it to come today. And I wasn't sure what I wanted. But I worked it out so I'd be the one to get it from the post office. The post master would call me and leave a message that it was there. I was at work. I sneaked a peak at my phone. 3 missed calls and a voice mail. So it had come... 5 calls total from the time I got off work.
Please respect my truthfulness here for a moment as I try to explain, and therefore understand my own feelings.
I thought I would feel something. Feel something when I found out. Feel something when I picked it up from the post office. Feel something as I actually held it it my hands for the first time. But, I didn't. I felt like I was experiencing postpartum depression. The call was the baby I'd been waiting 9 months for, and I couldn't connect to it. I couldn't remember the joys I felt getting the papers ready, waiting for the call, the good testimony builder moments that I experienced through my struggles. I didn't feel like it was even here.
I guess the overwhelming feeling was, or question that was lingering in my mind, "Was it worth the wait?"
And that was a terrible feeling: Guilt mixed with selfish wants. I wasn't naive enough to not know where those feelings are coming from.
I posted a question to my fellow sister missionaries on the "Many are Called...but few are Sister's" Facebook page, and beautifully got a lot of replies.
One other fear I stressed to my sisters is the fear of going stateside. I felt like for me personally, going stateside would mean I wasn't capable of serving anywhere they couldn't buy me a quick plane ticket home if things went wrong. So why send me at all?
The answer? Because I need this. If I am ever to become who He wants me to be, I have to do what He asks of me. Climb mountains, wash babies bums, walk cobblestone or asphalt streets. I need this. I may not want it now for some reason, but I need this. It's just another trial, but it is my trial, designed uniquely for me, so that He can create and mold me into the person He needs me to be. He Needs Me. And I so desperately Need Him. 
So no, It may not be on the mountain height

1. Or over the stormy sea,
   It may not be at the battle's front
   My Lord will have need of me.
   But if, by a still, small voice he calls
   To paths that I do not know,
   I'll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine:
   I'll go where you want me to go.
2. (Chorus)
   I'll go where you want me to go, dear Lord,
   Over mountain or plain or sea;
   I'll say what you want me to say, dear Lord;
   I'll be what you want me to be.
3.  Perhaps today there are loving words
   Which Jesus would have me speak;
   There may be now in the paths of sin
   Some wand'rer whom I should seek.
   O Savior, if thou wilt be my guide,
   Tho dark and rugged the way,
   My voice shall echo the message sweet:
   I'll say what you want me to say.
4. There's surely somewhere a lowly place
   In earth's harvest fields so wide
   Where I may labor through life's short day
   For Jesus, the Crucified.
   So trusting my all to thy tender care,
   And knowing thou lovest me,
   I'll do thy will with a heart sincere:
   I'll be what you want me to be.
   Those words totally came to my head and I Googled the song. I say it was inspiration. 
   And these quotes are from my dear sisters on the Facebook page. Also inspired. Love you girls! 
   
   
   I'll go where you want me to go,
   Sister Holly Howell