Why I Chose to Serve a Mission (And summary of the first Blog Entries)

Since they've found out about my call, that I'm going on a mission, people have started asking me, "When did you decide to serve a mission?"
 For me, it wasn't a question of when. There wasn't one magical, "A-hah" moment where I knew, one calendar date where I could mark off, "This was the day I chose to go on a mission." Instead, it was a question of why. Why did I decide to go on a mission? I guess you could say, it's a long story.

Like most people my age, when President Monson announced the age drop, the potential for me being able to serve a mission sparked some desire in my heart. I came from a good group of friends and we had all lived our lives as good member missionaries, so for most people who knew us, missions would be obvious if we ever had the inclination. My friends were stellar girls who I could (still can!)  always look up to for anything.

For me though, I often felt like I was the "Black Sheep" of the friend group. (They will fervently and truthfully deny that! They love me too much!) Really, I wasn't, but I guess you could say I was more inclined to the worldly way of things like fashion and makeup--you know, your usual twitter-patted school-girl. Back in the day they joked that I'd probably be married right out of high-school (psh--what a laugh!) Moving on...

So they started their papers. We had to finish High School first. I wouldn't turn 19 for a few years, but their birthdays were the following summer and fall. We graduated and 2 of them left consecutively. The two babies of the group, myself included, decided to get a semester or two under our belt in our down time.

I got one semester down, and decided that I wanted to do something else with my life. My blessing talked about a life of service, but all I really seemed to be doing at the present moment was focusing on myself. Plus, I wanted to make sure a mission would really be right for me. I'd never really been out of the state before, let alone the country! But my sister had the opportunity after she graduated to go down to Quito, Ecuador and serve in an orphanage. (http://www.orphanagesupport.org/) I talked it over with my mom, and we both decided that this would also be good for me to go and experience.
And so, three days after Christmas 2013, I packed my bags and headed 3,000 miles away from home to live in a Country who's language I didn't speak to change dirty diapers, bathe squirming children, and have my heart grow and break in ways I didn't even know possible. At current, it was the best experience of my life!!

I learned to love the people of Ecuador and the Hispanic communities so much. My heart would burst just seeing little families waiting in line to board a crowded bus, or walking along the dusty streets. The language was beautiful. I loved it so much.

Unfortunately, while I was down there, I was forced to come face-to-face with one of the harder realities of my life. Despite feeling so much love for these people and the little kids that had become the world to me, I had depression. It wasn't something that I had ever admitted to before fully. I was too proud to admit to anyone that there was something "wrong" with me, or that I needed help. And I let that depression get to me. I dwelt on it too much when it was there, and even thought about it long after it had gone away. It got to the point that I felt like I wasn't loving my babies the way that they need me to. And I was scared.

And so I prayed. With all that I had left, I prayed. And I asked Heavenly Father just for someone to talk to. Someone who could understand me and not judge me because of what I was feeling. Someone who would just listen. But honestly, I didn't know if He'd follow through.
 At the House, we were expecting a lady to come that next morning who would stay with us for two weeks. With what hope I had, I hoped she'd be the answer to my prayer.

And She was. She was my Mom! We talked and cried and in the end, we decided that I should come back home with her, and get the help that I finally admitted that I needed. It was so hard, but I knew that Heavenly Father had arranged everything, down to the last tiny detail, and that this was the right thing to do. I broke my heart, but I have learned that God loves broken things, and that that is the best way that He can fix and recreate us into the people He wants us to become.

So I came home. The depression didn't go away. But I was given a great counselor who in turn gave me great tools to deal with what I was feeling. To see things for what they really were and to think logically through all of my thoughts.

There came a time that I decided that I was well enough to make another big decision in my life. I missed the feeling of serving in Ecuador, that literal love that I felt for the people who merely passed me on the streets. I wanted to live a life that God could more easily direct. So I started my mission papers. And I did it in SECRET! My family didn't know. Part of me wanted to prove to them that I was ready for this. That I could do these things by myself, and that I was strong enough. They knew about my experience with depression and were worried about me. But "I was strong enough."
Little did I know that Heavenly Father had more humbling experiences, some with depression, some without, in store for me. I told my Mom, Dad, and brother during a few of those moments, and I learned that it wasn't "weak" to have the support of people who loved you. It was Satan that wanted me to feel like I was alone in all of this. Great lessons for another time ;)

After the submission of my papers, my Call didn't come in the usual 2 weeks. It didn't come after 3, or 4, or even 5 weeks. From July-October, all my papers said were "In Progress." Finally, I was told that I needed to resubmit them the coming November. By that point, what was one more month? After the second submission, they still did not come after the usual 2 weeks. By Thanksgiving, I was asking, "What are you doing this for, God? Haven't I learned enough about patience these last few months?" But despite these doubts, I stayed faithful. I knew, and I couldn't deny, that He played a huge part in the tiny details of my life, and for whatever purpose, He had a Plan for me. Specific for Me. And that was the amazing revelation that kept me "enduring to the end." I knew that He loved me.

Finally, December 4, 2014, I picked the large white envelope up from the post office (I have sneaky, snoopy siblings that would be blown away if they had been the one to come across that in the mail box. We wouldn't want that now, would we? ;) )With the actual envelope in hand came the fear of, "What the heck am I doing this for?!" You all know how Satan works. By the end of the night, my fears were subsided with faith. This was His Plan for me. I would go where He wanted me to go, and I would go willingly.

December 7, 2014, I finally opened the call I had waited 6 months to receive. When I first read "California," there was a tiny flicker of disappointment, but I was reminded of the inspiration I had received, and I knew that it was right. Even more so, I feel that love coming back to me for the Hispanic people who I will get to teach in San Diego, and the memories that the Spanish language brings back to me are wonderful. I am SO EXCITED to serve! There is no better time to be a missionary! Heavenly Father is doing a great work among the children of men, and He has called me to be part of it! This is His will, and I Will go and do as Nephi did. I know a mission will be hard, but it will also be beautiful as I put my faith in Him and do His will.

Why I chose to serve a mission, is because, after all I went through, I knew that I was never alone. I knew that the Savior was with me and I was being guided by my Heavenly Father in the direction that I needed to go. The Enabling Power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ is Real! It is such a beautiful and powerful thing. That is the message that I want to share with the people of the San Diego. That through Jesus Christ, they can become all that their Heavenly Father wants them to become. It is through His love that we can all return to live with Him some day! I know this Church is true! It is so real and so dear to me! We have a prophet on the Earth today that is truly God's mouth piece! I am so thankful for the many blessings I have in my life! I am so grateful to be a MISSIONARY!
En el nombre de Jesucristo,
Amen

Con muchas Amor,
Hermanita Holly Howell  

Christmas and Clothes...too many Clothes...

Merry-day-after-Christmas Everyone! We've cleared away the boxes and the wrapping papers, gorged ourselves on candies and chocolates and potato chips, reveling in the residual peaceful moments of having the house to ourselves again, yet missing the crazies that once occupied the now silent house. I am grateful that my family all could make it and we had SNOW on Christmas!! Even more, I am grateful for a loving Savior and a day set apart to really remember His Birth, and the whole purpose of this life!



Being a soon-to-be-Sister-Missionary, you can imagine what I got for Christmas. Skirts! and Shoes! (Not much of a surprise, but what can ya do? Got to try them on...My Mom's a gem!)
So today, we went through them all, and my closet. "You have tooooo many clothes..." Ya...
Needless to say, it took a while, but I think we both had fun. I mean, I don't really leave till March, so there is bound to be some changes to this... And I'll play around with the outfits more and probably post more pictures, so... for your viewing pleasures, The "End" Results:

(More pictures to come, but so far, these are the shirts/blouses we thought looked best with all the other outfits...)

Got to Love Cardigans. Especially when they are upside down... haha
Courtesy of this great thrift store in SLC called SAVERS! It's amazing. I got like 50 things for only $120 dollars. Utah Sisters, Check IT OUT! 

These are the skirts I decided on for sure. Courtesy of  Down East, DI, Seagul Book's Sea Salt Collection, and the Sister Shoppe

I couldn't decide which of these floral skirts I wanted to bring. The more "Printy" they are, the less things I can match with them. Worth taking? That's the definite question to be answered... But they are pretty adorbs. Courtesy of DI and Down East

ZAPATOS!! 

Yes, once again too many, I think... But there's the "cute vs comfort" dilemma I'm dealing with. I'm not even a "shoe person." #barefeetforlife ... I kind of got addicted to the Oxford style shoes. How well they will hold up is questionable. My gym shoes are nice with their memory foam insoles. 

These are called Gravity Defyers. They will be my "tracting" shoes. They have reverse trampoline soles that are pretty sweet to walk on. I found them here @ http://www.nomorerack.com/. The picture showed them with floral insides but the ones I got didn't so... Still, they were supposedly $130 value, and I got them for about $50. They are growing on me. 

 I can't decide between these two Messenger Bags!

 Pro: This has a lot of compartments/pockets inside and outside that I can use to organize the things I have to put inside. These bags will hold what I need for an entire day.

Con: The straps would require some work. Either replacing them completely or making them longer into a cross-body strap.

Pro: It converts into a BACKPACK!! How sweet is that? It can be a cross over or just a shoulder bag as well. Nifty. Yes, I used that word...

Con: Space... It is okay, but I really prefer the amount of pockets the other one has. This one has the two large outlying pockets, then an internal zipper pocket that is about the same size. My bags tend to have the "Mary Poppins Magic Bag" trick to them, sans magic and sans the ability to find things in them once place inside. #thestruggleisreal 

Possible Solution?

A Pikle!

http://inapikle.com/ 

"In A Pikle" is this great company I think I found through Facebook. I have bought all my sister missionary friends one for their missions--They love them!--and then my mom got me one, bless her! It's the perfect packaged holder of little things every girl needs, like bobby pins, elastics, fingernail clippers, saftey pins, scissors, a little sewing kit, hand sanitizer, etc... It's fabulous. I'm excited to put mine to good use. And it comes in adorable box. Many different styles and colors, too. Can't go wrong by that.

Probably a good thing I don't leave till March. Too many choices, and I need the time to prepare... for everything! Hope you enjoy what's to come---who am I kidding? I hope I enjoy it ;) 

Con Muchas Amor,

Hermanita Holly Howell

Dear Sister Howell....

"Dear Sister Howell,
You are hereby called to serves as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the California San Diego Mission. You should report to the Provo Missionary Training Center on Wednesday, March 4, 2015. You will prepare to preach the gospel in the Spanish language.
I am so excited to start this new adventure in my life!! This is where He needs me to be.
And I am so Happy that my Family knows now. 
Love,
Hermana Howell"

I opened my call December 7, 2014. Everything really did go according to my "Master Plan" --- even if it did take an extra 6 or so months to plan. ((See Blog Post from July 28)) We got some epic reactions on camera, so once I compile them all together, I'll upload them to this. Truly, they are epic! Haha, worth every moment.
I never would have guessed California, but now that that is where I am going, it does feel right. I didn't want to go to a big city. I didn't want to go somewhere hot. I'd be content to wear warms sweaters and big fluffy coats my whole mission. I would have loved to go somewhere with lots of snow. Honestly, I was thinking somewhere in Scandinavia...haha...
All of this just goes to show how much my Heavenly Father knows me so much better than I know myself. For starters, I can already see the benefits of California. The sun will be great for my health. I get to have flush-able toilets and still speak a language I love without going foreign. I have access to normal, readable-in-english medicines. (It was kind of an adventure searching for medicine in an Ecuadorian pharmacy when you're already feeling sick and you have no idea what you're looking for...haha...true story!)
So, I get sun, and no snow. I get to be tan, and not pale. I get to be hot, and not cold. I get to see the ocean. I get to speak SPANISH! I really am so excited! And, one of my friends from Ecuador is in the same mission right now! Small world! I am so glad she's there and can give me advice. It will be awesome!
It will be hard, but it will be awesome! This will be a new adventure that can help prepare me for the rest of my life. I think that sometimes Satan gets me to think that I'm going stateside because I am weak and not strong enough for a foreign mission. Those are lies. I know my Heavenly Father well enough and have seen His hand so many times in my life to know that this is part of His plan for me. He needs me in California. He needs my love of the Spanish language. For whatever reason, He needs me, and I will always and forever need him.
So, San Diego California, here I come!
Gracias Padre Eterno.
Con muchas amor,
Hermana Holly Howell

p.s.
Who would have though shopping would be such a daunting task?? More posts to come about my Sister Missionary finds!

It has COME!!! And yet....

No, I haven't opened it yet. You know my master plan.
In fact, I haven't looked at it again since I picked it up at the post office and brought it home. It's stashed away in closet in my room...
I think it started yesterday. I didn't want it to come. What? After all these months, and I didn't want it to come? And, it didn't. They told me it was assigned on Tuesday, and guessed it would come on Wednesday, like it usually does. But I didn't want it to. And, it didn't.
Then, the potential came for it to come today. And I wasn't sure what I wanted. But I worked it out so I'd be the one to get it from the post office. The post master would call me and leave a message that it was there. I was at work. I sneaked a peak at my phone. 3 missed calls and a voice mail. So it had come... 5 calls total from the time I got off work.
Please respect my truthfulness here for a moment as I try to explain, and therefore understand my own feelings.
I thought I would feel something. Feel something when I found out. Feel something when I picked it up from the post office. Feel something as I actually held it it my hands for the first time. But, I didn't. I felt like I was experiencing postpartum depression. The call was the baby I'd been waiting 9 months for, and I couldn't connect to it. I couldn't remember the joys I felt getting the papers ready, waiting for the call, the good testimony builder moments that I experienced through my struggles. I didn't feel like it was even here.
I guess the overwhelming feeling was, or question that was lingering in my mind, "Was it worth the wait?"
And that was a terrible feeling: Guilt mixed with selfish wants. I wasn't naive enough to not know where those feelings are coming from.
I posted a question to my fellow sister missionaries on the "Many are Called...but few are Sister's" Facebook page, and beautifully got a lot of replies.
One other fear I stressed to my sisters is the fear of going stateside. I felt like for me personally, going stateside would mean I wasn't capable of serving anywhere they couldn't buy me a quick plane ticket home if things went wrong. So why send me at all?
The answer? Because I need this. If I am ever to become who He wants me to be, I have to do what He asks of me. Climb mountains, wash babies bums, walk cobblestone or asphalt streets. I need this. I may not want it now for some reason, but I need this. It's just another trial, but it is my trial, designed uniquely for me, so that He can create and mold me into the person He needs me to be. He Needs Me. And I so desperately Need Him. 
So no, It may not be on the mountain height

1. Or over the stormy sea,
   It may not be at the battle's front
   My Lord will have need of me.
   But if, by a still, small voice he calls
   To paths that I do not know,
   I'll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine:
   I'll go where you want me to go.
2. (Chorus)
   I'll go where you want me to go, dear Lord,
   Over mountain or plain or sea;
   I'll say what you want me to say, dear Lord;
   I'll be what you want me to be.
3.  Perhaps today there are loving words
   Which Jesus would have me speak;
   There may be now in the paths of sin
   Some wand'rer whom I should seek.
   O Savior, if thou wilt be my guide,
   Tho dark and rugged the way,
   My voice shall echo the message sweet:
   I'll say what you want me to say.
4. There's surely somewhere a lowly place
   In earth's harvest fields so wide
   Where I may labor through life's short day
   For Jesus, the Crucified.
   So trusting my all to thy tender care,
   And knowing thou lovest me,
   I'll do thy will with a heart sincere:
   I'll be what you want me to be.
   Those words totally came to my head and I Googled the song. I say it was inspiration. 
   And these quotes are from my dear sisters on the Facebook page. Also inspired. Love you girls! 
   
   
   I'll go where you want me to go,
   Sister Holly Howell