Maybe I will never publish this, but maybe I will. I just feel that it needs to be said, and that it needs to be written down as testimony, something of a foundation to fall back on, as mentioned before. I am scared. Tomorrow is the interview, the hopefully final step in this long process of waiting for a mission call. My mission call. Call me dramatic, but I feel like so much hangs in the balance here. I just am hoping and praying that I am in the right frame of mind during this interview, that my mind will remember the real reason I want and need to go on a mission. So, in essence to prepare myself for this interview, I'll write my feelings down; the reasons down.
As I have though back to my dark moments in Ecuador, and tried to process them, to understand them in a better light, the one analogy that I fall back to is always that: Light. I compare it to a dark, pitch black room. One that your eyes have come adjusted to. You're not necessarily scared of the dark, but you're not comfortable in it either. It has slowly gotten darker, almost imperceptibly, until it reaches the point where you're incomplete darkness. Maybe someone is turning down the dimmer switch in a theater. You can't really go anywhere in this darkness without bumping into things, because you can't see clearly. Things don't make sense like they used to. Things lose form and blend together, and after a while, it feels like you do too.
Suddenly, someone flips on all the lights, all at once. You squint, and close you're eyes tight, attempting to deny the light, momentarily. It's too bright. It hurts your eyes that had grown accustom to the darkness. You can sense the light on the other side of your eyelids, but still keep them closed, because you're sensitive to it. Slowly, little by little, you open your eyes. Things begin to make sense again. Things start taking shape and you can understand things better.
This was me. I had let these dark, lonely thoughts creep into my mind, dimming my spirit and making me believe that I wasn't worth anything; that I wasn't doing any good. That it was better to lose form. To disappear and fade away, become part of the darkness.
But then He flipped on all the lights, all at once. He sent her. My Mom. The only person I could talk to easily. That I could confide in and trust. But it was hard to believe at first. I tried to deny it. It was too big to be a coincidence. But I couldn't believe that He would do that for me. I couldn't make sense of why He would do this for me. I couldn't make sense of who He was to me, or more importantly, Who I was to Him. I was one girl in the mountains of Ecuador. It was a crowded city. It was a crowded world. Why me? Why. Save. Me? Who was I? As I opened my eyes, as He gave me something so undeniable to see--a light so bright that I could not deny it--I began to see things more clearly. The darkness tried to get back in, many times, but the Light is always too bright. Even coming home from Ecuador, the few weeks after I got home, I hadn't opened my eyes fully yet, and I would think back, and almost be convinced to remember only the darkness. But then the Light was always there. It was still ON. And I began to look deeper, and realized, it will never fully go out. I got help. Keeping the darkness at bay takes a lot of effort; people who love me, have faith in me, my own faith, my Savior and my Father in Heaven.
So, with that Light, I see things clearer now. I have to believe that He saved me for a greater purpose than my day to day life. That is not to sound prideful. I just believe that He sees in me a brighter light in me than I often have the ability to see in myself. A mission will be hard. Life will be hard. Life is Hard. But, The Light is ON. On my side. And always will be. I do not know the Mission that He has yet to call me to, but what ever it is, I believe that He knows I have the power to do it. I have the Light of Christ within me and the Spirit of my Heavenly Father to guide me a long the way. I want others to feel of that Light and that Love. I want have charity for others again, and care for people other than myself. I have noticed the darkness comes the closest when I am more focused on myself than on others. It creeps in slowly, and I really do have to catch myself. But I believe that if I let my Heavenly Father guide my mission, and later the rest of my life, He can mold me into a beautiful Light will shine "brightly...for the whole world to see."
("I am like a star shining brightly..." children's song book)
This Song, "This little light of mine," has become a favorite of mine. I hear it on the radio every Sunday, and it just feels me with warmth and light. I hadn't thought about it in comparison to how I feel now about Ecuador, but I definitely feel strongly about it now. Life is Beautiful, and our Heavenly Father blesses us as we are obedient to Him. He wants to bless us because He truly loves us!! That love never changes! The Light is always ON, if we will only look up and see it!!
So Much Love and Light,
Future Sister Holly Howell
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