It's been a while....

Since I last posted. Since I began the process to start my papers. Since I submitted them. Since the little postponements lead to bigger and bigger postponements. The newest development I found was the day before General Conference. My Stake President let me know that the mission office has requested that I resubmit my papers...6 months following my last major incident with depression and anxiety. Their records show this was sometime in May, meaning that I will be able to resubmit them again come November. After waiting this long, 1 month and a few weeks isn't so hard.
But... I still feel lost. Like my life is in Limbo right now...I'm waiting around for something to happen. And I know I should go out and make something happen, but with this, there is only so much I can do.
 I realize that I am missing the purpose; a purpose. The whole point of the process is for preparation, not for waiting. NOT for sitting around, as if waiting for this call would bestow on me some medal of courage or added strength, not having taken the time to prepare and gain these qualities before hand. I suppose I looked at the call as a sort of confirmation that this is what I should be doing. I should have seen this as Life preparation, not just Mission Prep. I think this was my original intention, but I lost sight of that. I got caught up with the status of it, and then became distracted by self-concept-ed thoughts of others when I never received my call, day after day, week after week, month after month. I thought people looked at me differently and made judgements based off what I wasn't was--A missionary. But in reality, the person making those judgements, was ME. I started measuring myself by what I wasn't, rather than measuring up to what I could be. I didn't have my call. I was wounded. I wasn't worthy. I had a crazy mind. I had depression. I wasn't healthy. I wasn't going to be good enough. I wasn't ready for the mission. I wasn't ready for life. I wasn't ready to form close relationships. I wasn't loved...
But...
I am LOVED. I can learn to form close relationships, because of that love. I can continually prepare for a mission just as I can prepare for life. I can do my best. My best is good enough. I am working towards getting Healthy. I have come so far with my depression in overcoming it. In enduring it. I have an intelligent mind. I am worthy. I am of worth to my Father in Heaven. I've been wounded, but I am healing. My life may be in limbo, in the hands of another person, but that person is God. Christ has literally engraven my life, ME, upon the palms of His hands. I don't have my call... YET. It is all in His timing. He knows exactly what I am going through and there is a purpose to all of this. And, It is GLORIOUS.

This song does so much good to my heart. You can feel light and love emanating out of it. This is the kind of feeling I want to have with me, always. In the mission, and in life.
[Verse:]
There are times when you might feel aimless
You can't see the places where you belong
But you will find that there is a purpose
It's been there within you all along and when you're near it
You can almost hear it.

[Chorus:]
It's like a symphony just keep listenin'
And pretty soon you'll start to figure out yo part
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it's glorious

[Verse 2:]
You will know how to let it ring out as you discover who you are
Others around you will start to wake up
To the sounds that are in their hearts
It's so amazin', what we're all creatin'

[Chorus:]
It's like a symphony just keep listenin'
And pretty soon you'll start to figure out yo part
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it's glorious

[Bridge:]
And as you feel the notes build
You will see

[Chorus:]
It's like a symphony just keep listenin'
And pretty soon you'll start to figure out yo part
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it's glorious


His Love is Glorious,
Future Sister Holly Howell